Bassoon Freak

Look!

2011-06-14T21:00:00.002-06:00

Can you believe I just registered for all my courses all by myself?

I know. It's crazy.

Seriously, I don't know what it is about it, but every year, and this is the fourth year, registering for courses terrifies me. Even now, when I know what I'm doing, and I only have a certain number of required courses as it is, I was dreading having to sit down and do it. Last year I insisted to Adrianna and Katie that we get together and all do it together.

Anyways, I didn't actually register, as I can't register for courses until Thursday. But I put all my courses in my shopping cart, so all I have to do on Thursday is click a button. Well, two buttons. Two semesters. And more, if you count the buttons I have to click to get to my Student Center, and then to change semesters...well, anyways.

The point is that I did it. And it looks a lot busier than I thought it would, but I also haven't heard back from m department head about whether I can get credit from my years in the youth orchestra. So I registered for everything I need, so I get in, and then if she says I can get credit from that, I can just drop whatever courses I want to.

Even so, I think I've done quite well in organizing my schedule.

*I feel like I should put a disclaimer. In talking about my courses, I'm almost always talking about my lecture courses, i.e. my non-music courses. I do have a lot of music courses, but they're all practical, non-lecture courses.*

Most of my courses are all 200/300 level (that is, first/second year) because they're all electives, with the exception of the one music elective, advanced harmonic analysis. And I'm really only taking that because A) Adrianna (and Katie?) are taking it, and B) the prof is amazing, and I've always liked her courses.

All my courses are on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays, which leaves Tuesday and Thursday open for possible work shifts. And none of them come with labs or tutorials.

So that's next year, pretty much all ready to go. I still think it's terrifying. I don't even know why. But this is also the last year to go. Which is still terrifying in it's own way.

I should really go for a walk or something. I feel like I have all this excess registering energy I need to get out of me. Thus the reason for the small paragraphs. (Either that, or I'm just attempting to make excuses for my overuse of the enter key.)

I will possibly talk more about the courses I actually registered for in the future!

~Calminaiel~

"That's why you don't want to get eaten."

Nice Weather...Whaat?

2011-06-10T22:08:00.003-06:00

Calgary has been wonderful for the past few days, and I'm really trying hard not to spend it all inside on my computer. Or at least, as previously mentioned, I'm trying to spend enough time outside to satisfy my need to be social, but enough time inside to satisfy my lazy side.

It's a hard life.

But bagels help.

Ken and I went to Great Canadian Bagel, which I love. Their bagels are super good. I think they might put some secret ingredient in them, which other bagel makers are unaware of. Naturally, I'm assuming it's heroin.

I kid, but still, their bagels are amazing. I can never go there for breakfast without buying a dozen bagels. Plus cream cheese to go with them. This time I went for 7 cinnamon and 5 maple (there wasn't enough cinnamon to get a whole dozen, but not enough maple to be able to split it evenly. I felt ridiculous requesting the two odd numbers), with plain cream cheese to go with them.

I'm very picky about matching my cream cheese with my type of bagel. Blueberry bagels must always go with strawberry cream cheese. Cheese bagels must be matched with either cheddar cheese cream cheese or Cheese Whiz. Chocolate chip bagels with chocolate chip cream cheese, obviously. The list goes on. In the absence of the appropriate cream cheese, plain cream cheese or butter may be substituted.

In this case, they did not have cinnamon, apple cinnamon, or maple cream cheese, which I decided would be the best to go with my bagels. So I went for plain. Which is still mightily delicious.

Then, to satisfy my social side, we went to Chinook mall. I wanted to get a new toy from Discovery Hut. But I didn't end up finding anything that A) I really liked, B) was within my budget, or C) that would not encourage me to spent millions of dollars on matching sets or items. I did look at the giant microbes, to see if I could find another STD, since I'd like a new one to bring to MusiCamp this summer, but I couldn't.

You heard me. I'm looking for another STD to bring to camp this summer.

We also dropped by the Lego store, even though I didn't look at anything with too much interest because I already knew I didn't have the money to buy another set yet. Had a good conversation with the Lego store guys, like we always do when I go there.

Drat, I just look at my new Lego fire station, and I think I see the spot where Ken was saying I was missing a piece. And I think I see a piece missing. I was hoping he was going crazy...clearly I blocked the memory of finding out a piece was missing. I'll have to make another trip to the Lego store...

So, after not finding a new toy, and indulging in some Yogen Fruz (mmm...Yogen Fruz...) we headed home to satisfy our lazy side. And eat more bagels.

And they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

~Calminaiel~

(...it's not the end. I'll be back, I promise.)

Horses!

2011-06-08T16:25:00.002-06:00

One thing I definitely like about my new job is how I'm always doing something different, and I get to go around and see stuff that's happening in the city.

Not that I'm always at really big events. Last Saturday I was just at an RV place that was having a sale. And before that it was just a hot tub place.

But last weekend I got to go hang out at the MS walk, which was pretty fun. I never realized how popular things like that are, but there were a lot of people there. And a lot of kids and dogs.

Today Eric and I got to go to Spruce Meadows for the first day of the Nationals. I was pretty excited to go, cause I like horses. Not that I got to see any up close, because it's not like the horses in the Nationals just go out for walks to talk to people. But still, I got to see a few of them going for a stroll, and we drove past the field where they were warming up.

It rained pretty badly. Which I actually thought was super fun. There were very little people there, so we didn't have much to do. We were about to start a game of cards when our contact guy decided to move us to a slightly more popular area. Which didn't end up being more popular at all, but the good thing about it was it was right behind the stands for the tournament.

So all we had to do was walk around the corner and we could watch the horse jumping. So we stood in the rain and watched a couple rounds. Eric thought the person from New York was really good, but I like the Calgary person more, even though they got more faults. I liked her horse. He was spooked by this one jump, so she rode past it a couple times in their warm up walk, even though he jumps away from it when they got too close.

But he did really good in their run. The jump was really close to where we were, so when they were approaching it, we could hear his rider clicking away at him, and he just run up to that jump and sailed over it. I was pretty proud of him. Oh, and he had such a lovely prance. I love horses that prance. Ken's horses aren't really the prancing type. Except maybe Sugar, but nobody's riding her yet.

Anyways, I'm gonna be off to UTS here soon. Ken wasn't home when I got back, which I should have expected, since he didn't have his computer or anything with him. But I wonder if he'll come back tonight, cause his phone is currently sitting on the table beside my bed...

~Calminaiel~

"Naked ladies!"

Stay-at-Home Spa Night

2011-06-06T22:12:00.002-06:00

This was the best idea I ever had.

I can't remember if I ever mentioned it or not, but I went to Lush and got a huge set of spa materials. This includes things I would regularly use in the shower, such as solid shampoos and conditioners, to things reserved for special spa bath nights, like body scrubs, bath bombs, and heavy moisturizers.

I just finished one such spa bath, and it's wonderful. My skin feels more hydrated than ever before. And not just the 'I sat in water for half an hour so I'm kinda hydrated' feeling. My skin has actually soaked up moisture in a sponge like fashion. All those soaps Lush makes with cocoa butter is amazing. It literally melts into your skin, and your skin just drinks it in. I feel quite content.

Oh, and another amazing aspect was the bath water being so hot I had to ease myself into it. I love baths that fog up the bathroom mirror.

Anyways, on to other news.

A while back Ken and I went to see the military museum, which was pretty cool. I thoroughly enjoyed it, even the memorial room, which put me in tears. I still blame my mother.

I especially enjoyed their temporary exhibit on the war in Afghanistan. (When I tried to spell that, spell check tried to suggest Organist to me...?) It was very cool, especially since most of the rest of the museum focuses on the wars of the past, and then at the end you walk into this exhibit that shows you how all this stuff is still happening. Very cool effect.

I have to say I am enjoying my summer. I've got a new job, which I really enjoy. It gives me enough hours to have steady summer income, but enough free days during the week so I feel I still have time to go out and enjoy the warm season. I still hope to enjoy some more summer adventures. Mainly things like little trips out of town, or doing things around Calgary I have not done, like park exploring, or the Calgary Tower, or Fort Calgary.

I'd also love to go riding more this summer. I know Ken doesn't always want to go out, and I generally want to go out with him, so we'll see how much I actually end up going out.

I'm also trying to find a good balance of splitting my time into going out and doing things, and just staying in to relax. I really like to go outside, because it obviously doesn't stay this warm in Calgary for too long. But at the same time, summer is my down time, and it's nice to have time to just relax inside. So I'm still working on that. My new job does help with getting out of the house. Remotes are always exciting, cause I'm always in a different place, which can be interesting.

Especially last weekend, when we were at an RV place in Airdrie. I actually really liked one of the RVs there. I kept walking around it and thinking that as a student living on my own, that's really all the space I need. It was very cozy. Plus, we kept joking that the monthly payments were lower than rent, and I could just park it on my parents' street so I didn't have to spend that much money on food.

I've recently started thinking of how I really would like to get a place on my own. I like the condo where I am now, and I like my roommates and everything. I've just got hooked on the idea of having my own living room, and my own kitchen, and just my own entire space in general.

But at the same time, I'm not going to get ahead of myself. There's no way I'm going to start looking for something like that until I'm done school, and start making some serious money. And I don't even know if I'm going to want to make serious money right away. I might just want to make comfortable money and just hang out and party and live as any person in their young 20s might live.

Don't ask me how any person in their young 20s might live. I realized that's not the best way to word what I'm trying to say, but I'm also too lazy to try to go back and fix it.

My point is, it really bugs me when people ask me what I want to do with my life, and such on. I don't know. I'm 21 right now, I'm not really worried about a career. Like I keep saying, if I turn 30 and still don't have a real career happening, than I might worry a little, and start looking into that. But at 21, I'm fine just having a job that pays rent. Well, food would be nice too, but as long as I'm in town, Dad will always be willing to have me over for dinner. He has yet to turn me away.

~Calminaiel~

"Hey, they're playing musical instruments!"

Sad Face

2011-05-09T22:11:00.003-06:00

I'm in a terrible mood. I usually prohibit myself from accessing the internet, which includes facebook and blogging when in said mood, since I'm not a huge fan of people who just whine on the internet to get attention. However, perhaps if I can explain my bad mood to my readers, hopefully without excessive whining, than perhaps I can move on with life.

First of all, I have three dance shifts at the Jack to work in a row. Well, two now. I just finished one today. And although I have previously admitted that I don't like getting up in the morning, I almost wish I had taken the morning shifts. I'd have to get up in the morning, but at least I'd have the late afternoon and evening in which to actually do stuff. Instead, I have the afternoon shift. So I start at 2 and go to 9:30ish. And I don't feel like I can get anything done before my shift. Yes, the time itself is there, but the looming of my shift coming up would definitely be distracting.

As such, I feel like these days will just be spent waking up, going to work, going home, going to bed, and repeating. Which doesn't fill me with a sense of joy for the upcoming days.

Especially since both my birthday and mother's day happened this weekend, and I have yet to actually see my family. And since I have the aforementioned shifts for the next two days, and then another day shift after that at the university, it doesn't seem like I'll actually see my family for a while. Which sucks, cause they had a special dinner tonight which would have been my birthday dinner had I not been working.

And I have a messy room which I would really like to clean, but again, does not look like I'll actually have the time to do until June.

I suppose that's it really. And I did really have a good time doing that gig in Medicine Hat, and I did have a good birthday shopping around in Medicine Hat with Heather, Amy, and Dori. But still. Usually I do something with my family, and that hasn't happened yet. Seeing them hasn't even happened yet. Mom's planning another birthday / Graham's graduation thing, but it looks like I might not even get to do that, because guess where I have to work?

Now I'm going to clean Guimauve's cage, cause it might give me a sense of purpose. Or at least it will distract me for a while.

~Calminaiel~

Go Time

2011-04-08T22:23:00.002-06:00

Okay, we're down to the last week of classes. Surely with only one week left, I will find the effort needed to sit down and write the last couple essays and papers of the year?

Response: Probably not. And don't call me Shirley.

But in all seriousness, I really do need to start getting stuff done. Last week! As before mentioned, I am both ecstatic and terrified of this fact.

And yet as it is right now, I am sitting in bed, drinking white tea, and contemplating playing computer games once I'm done this, and probably continuing into the wee hours of the morning, even though I have rehearsal tomorrow morning. Oh well.

Apparently I have a new roommate. Did you know about this? I didn't, until this afternoon when I went home to grab stuff, and there were guys in my house I didn't know, and the spare room suddenly had a bed, a desk and computer in it. Crazy stuff.

Anyways, we have yet to be introduced. I feel kinda bad cause I didn't speak to him this afternoon when I came home, but that was just because I was kinda in a hurry, so I just wanted to grab stuff and go. Our only interaction so far has been seeing each other in the living room while I was rushing to grab stuff, and passing each other in the hallway while getting ready for bed.

Oh, but I do believe he's a drummer. He had a practice pad in the living room with him, and that's all I've heard him do while getting ready for bed tonight. Not that it bothers me. On the contrary, it's very amusing how Guimauve can't figure out what this strange new sound is. He's also not sure whether he should be afraid of it or not.

Hopefully I'll have more updates on this mystery roommate soon.

I still haven't figured out my whole summer job thing. Brigadoon is starting to look like not the best decision in my life now, since I've just realized that means more evening which I will be unable to work. And thus unable to make money. So I'm thinking I really need to get a day job of some sort. If nothing else, it'll be awesome to make extra money over the summer.

I'm saying nothing of my recital, because I don't feel like it. But it's still happening.

~Calminaiel~

"There's always a guy."

Praise

2011-03-22T18:21:00.002-06:00

So, remember a few days ago, when I was insisting I wasn't sick?

Yeah, I'm sick.

This morning I was pretty sure how I felt was how people must feel just before they die. It kinda sucked. Just a really sore throat, coughing, runny nose, stuffy head. The works. However, the day wasn't as bad as it really could have been.

First of all, GDP isn't in town, so we just watched a rehearsal as part of conducting, which I pretty much got to nap in. I mean, I paid attention enough to get some details I can write our assignment on, and then I started to let myself doze off. That definitely beats having to conduct with a cold.

Then, since GDP is away, Amy was conducting Wind Ensemble, and she let us out super early. Which gave me a chance to go home and rest. And rest I did. I got home around 3, changed into pajama pants, and basically just crawled into bed. Around 3:30 I dozed off and didn't wake up until 4:45. Then I dozed until 6. At which point I had to go to the bathroom, and I figured I may as well sit up, since I obviously wasn't sleeping anymore.

Anyways, I'm feeling not a whole lot better, but slightly less than death, which I take as a good sign. It could also just be the mentality of staying at home. I forget who I was talking to, but we were saying that you always feel more sick when you have to actually do things, but when you can just rest and stay home, you automatically feel better.

I get this a lot whenever I'm too sick for work. I'll feel terrible, and then as soon as I decide I'm too sick to work, and I call in to say I'm not coming, I instantly feel better. Obviously not 'Oh, I'm magically healthy' better, but just in a better mood. More relaxed, less stressed, less worried. And that just helps with the physical stuff I suppose? That's what I'm going with.

Of course, I'm also of the mindset that mental and emotional health can totally affect your physical health. I also think that they're often the more important than the physical. In certain cases, as least.

I feel my ability to write coherent sentences is starting to leave me. It could be the sickness, the drugs for the sickness, or maybe I've just been sitting up too long and the blood is draining from my head.

~Calminaiel~

"I've had so much drug medication...medication for dru-...drugs...ugh."

Oh wow

2011-03-20T23:51:00.002-06:00

I am getting so good at this stay home spa thing. I had an excellent evening tonight. Except for the fact that I brought my work clothes home even though I didn't need to, and then I didn't pick up groceries even though I probably should have. Oh well. The rest of it was good.

I had one of those awesome baths, where the water is so hot you need to gradually get in the tub to adjust to the heat. My mirrors even fogged up. While I was having my bath. I've never fogged up my mirrors with a bath before. And then once I used all my wonderful moisturizing soaps, and my skin felt all wonderful, I just read my book and soaked for a little bit. So now my skin is wonderfully moisturized, and feels like it will never be dry or itchy again.

Of course, my chest still kinda hurts when I breathe, and I'm trying not to cough. We'll have to see how I feel tomorrow.

In other news, I can't believe we're down to the last four weeks of school. It feels like I have too much to do before the end. Well, I guess I only have one major paper and my recital. I don't really count my English class as anything major. It's practically like revisiting grade 8 English class. Only you actually kinda have to format your assignments.

We're getting another roommate sometime in March. I'm pretty excited to meet him. His name's...Mark? I think. But apparently he has a cat, which is cool.

Oh, and I have curtains! It's amazing. It's like the whole condo complex isn't looking into my bedroom at night anymore.

Another thing I've put on my list of things to do this summer (yes, there is a list. I'll tell you more about it sometime, but I'm trying not to focus on it too much while classes are still happening) is to actually call people and try to hang out with people. I miss a lot of my friends from high school, but university is so stupid and busy, and I hate saying to people, 'hey, we should hang out sometime!' and then never getting around to actually doing it cause I'm too busy. To be honest, I'd much rather wait until I actually do have time to hang out with people, and then give them a call.

I also have this weird fear with people I haven't seen or talked to in a while, that when I call them up they're going to be mad at me for not calling them sooner. That kinda puts a damper on things sometime. Should really get over that.

Anyways. I should get to bed, cause I slept in four out of five days last week, and I cannot let that happen anymore. It's only one more month, I can do school for that much longer. And it's the last stretch in terms of recital practicing, so I have that to focus on as well. I can (and will) make it to the end!

~Calminaiel~

"I've been told I have a great radio face."

Chocolate Money

2011-03-18T23:45:00.002-06:00

I'd like to take a moment to get a few things straight.

I am not beginning to cough. My chest does not hurt when I breathe. I am not starting to run out of breath when I practice. Neither my head, nor my body, begins to generally ache during the last half of the day.

I am enjoying tea out of my new Calgary zoo mug (of which I plan to collect the whole set). A plan to the grocery store to buy ginger root is planned for the near future (I hear it's very good for you. Especially in tea). Every spare evening I have will be spent drinking tea and relaxing in a tub full of hot water and moisturizing soaps.

My recital is in fact a month away, and although I do think about my stage presence a lot and do not enjoy people making fun of or generally under appreciating the fact that this is a big thing for me, I am not stressing about it.

I hereby declare all of these statements to be true.

So there.

Now, I must mend a squeaky hamster wheel, so that he may exercise, and I may sleep, and we both shall be happy.

The End.

~Calminaiel~

"Have you ever gone to Tim Hortons, not because you wanted Timmy's, but because the line was so short, you felt obligated to go?"

Curses!

2011-03-17T21:20:00.002-06:00

I'm pretty sure I'm going crazy. Or losing the ability to count with other people in my general vicinity. Either or.

I realized today I forgot to send in my availability calendar for work, which I always do on the 15th of every single month. And it didn't happen this month.

I've also never screwed up counting cash at work ever. Ever. And yet the last three times I've made mistakes. The first two were because I was talking to new staff, and telling them about stuff. This last one was apparently just because Ken was in the room with me. We weren't talking or anything. He was just sitting while I was counting cash.

In other news, I'm beginning to totally loose all interest in school. Right when all my major papers are due. It's a great time. I really think major projects should be due early in the semester, cause then at least I still have some inclination to work. But now? I have no idea how I'm going to do anything.

I wasn't feeling too well today, but Ken bought the third season for Big Bang Theory, so I think we'll watch some of that tonight. I also kinda have the munchies, and my house is terrible for having munchy things around. It kinda sucks.

It's been one of those weeks in which I just keep telling myself things will get better once this week is done. Plus, there's only really a month left of school, so I have to keep myself going for at least another month. Ken and I also thought of a pretty cool summer project, which I'm now really excited for.

Oh yeah, and my recital's coming up in April. But I'm tired of thinking right now, so I think it's time to find a snack and watch Big Bang.

~Calminaiel~

"Robyn likes her blogs."

Spring Ahead?

2011-03-01T20:19:00.002-07:00

Oh wow. I kind of feel like the semester just started, and yet there's only really a month and a half left. Which really isn't that much, especially considering my recital is at the end of that month and a half.

Reader's Digest version of life: Working lots, loving/hating music as always, lost a pet, adopted a pet, have a student, procrastinating, buying (but ironically not drinking) booze, spending money, mooching food, and generally just trying to deal with one day at a time.

Oh, and dutifully taking care of my lucky bamboo plant, and my money tree, which are placed beside each other in my room. My superstitious side is pretty sure they're helping me get through life. Of course, my realistic side thinks that's ridiculous, and sometimes forces me to 'forget' to water them every now and then, just to prove it doesn't make a difference. But that's a story for another time.

~Calminaiel~

"This Christmas is turning out to be rather fishy."
"There's something fishy about this Christmas."

Moments, Moon Dough, and Make-up

2010-12-19T23:53:00.002-07:00

I've been trying to find a picture of an ad I see all the time on the train, and for the life of me, I can't find it. I even asked my computer genius boyfriend, and he came up with a loss.

So you won't be able to see the picture. But the essence of it is that it's an ad for the Darwin and Einstein exhibit at the science center. The situation in the ad is two girls in the bathroom of a club, standing in front of the mirror to apply their makeup. The picture is the mirror full of writing in makeup of equations, and mathematical terms. In front of it, one girl is standing with her makeup, obviously having just written all the previously mentioned equations, and looking quite happy, having just invented all of these equations. The other girl is in a perfect about-to-reapply-lipstick position, and is looking up at the equations in quite a dumbfounded manner, like she doesn't know what just happened.

I'm sure my description of it doesn't do it justice. But hopefully you've got the general idea of it. The funny thing is, every time I see this ad on the train, I can just hear my Grandma's voice in my head, saying to me, "Now, the thing that makes this ad effective is the different expressions on the girl's faces."

I can imagine my Grandma going into detail about that, but I just find it very funny that I'm almost positive that's what she would say about that ad. And how I can very much hear it in her voice too.

In other news, me and Ken went to the toy store the other day, and I found a product by the Play-Dough. It's called Moon Dough, and the first-sight appeal of it is the claim that it never dries out. So, liking to play with dough, and wanting to find out the deal with this Moon Dough, I bought some.

Moon Dough is not all it seemed on the box. The texture is really weird, and while it's great for making shapes in plastic molders, that's really all it's good for. When you squeeze it, it doesn't form a shape, it just crumbles. You can't roll it into a snake, or flat into a pancake because again, it just crumbles. The reason it never dries out is because there's not any moisture in it in the first place.

In short, it's very disappointing, and it just made me want to go back to the store for some real Play Dough. Moon Dough doesn't get stuff all over your hands, but it's a lot less fun.

I've also been wearing makeup a lot more since school let out, because I don't like putting on makeup if it means I have to get up 15 minutes earlier just to do it. However, if I have time to wake up and lounge around before I have to go anywhere, sure I'll take a few minutes to put some makeup on.

Now, the thing with makeup is I've never really liked people who seem to believe they can't step out of their house without their makeup on. Sure I like how it makes me look, but I never want to believe that I can't have other people seeing me if I don't have it on.

Since I've been wearing it so much, I've started having this funny little fear that I'll start slipping into feeling the need to have it on before I go anywhere. And it's really funny at the end of every day when I take my makeup off in front of the mirror, I feel relieved when I see me sans makeup, and I haven't turned into this hideous monster underneath my makeup. I'm still just me. Maybe with slightly less defined eyes, but still just me.

~Calminaiel~

"It's so foggy out. Don't go too far away or I might not see you and I'll get lost. Don't walk faster!"

Mint Truffle Kisses

2010-12-13T16:31:00.002-07:00

I think I'm addicted.

Anyways, I was on the bus on the way to my lesson, and reading my current book, Bridget Jones' Diary. I've had it kicking around forever, and I'm pretty sure I've started reading it before, but I know I've never gotten to the end. So that's what I'm working on now.

Diary books are always funny, because you are very literally inside the persons' mind. As such, I have this funny habit of starting to think like them myself. Therefore, when I got Ken's text informing me that Simon's parents were getting Simon the same present I was going to get him, the following happened inside my head.

Not happy about this. Have had Simon's present planned for weeks now, and they just decide on this? Now what do I do? Could think of other present...no. My present was very good. I have to change all my plans just because his parents happen to think of the same thing?

I proceeded to pout for a while, until my mind inevitably turned towards the topic of vengeance.

Revenge plans: A) not get Simon present at all. Problems: will 1-year-old notice lack of present from uncle's girlfriend? Unlikely. Will parents notice lack of present and interpret into obvious plot for revenge? Unlikely. Plan B) get obviously not well thought out present. Problem: will 1-year-old really feel disappointment over not expected present? Unlikely. Will parents interpret badly thought out present into obvious revenge for theft of present idea? Unlikely. Will probably just think brother's girlfriend is not smart.

Should just still get present. I thought of it first. Would have bought it already, just had no time, or car.

Problem: Will 1-year-old be sad over duplicate present? Unlikely. Will parents interpret duplicate present as clear indication that I thought of it first? Unlikely. Will probably just believe brother's girlfriend unoriginal.

This is when I got to my teacher's house and had to let go of all present thoughts, as it was time to concentrate on reed making.

I'm really not that upset over it. I'm just pouty, cause I thought I had a really great idea, and duplicate presents kinda suck. Now, instead of super easy I-prethought-all-of-my-Christmas-presents-so-I-can-just-duck-in-and-out-of-the-mall Christmas shopping, I'll have to actually make time to wander around and find ideas and decide.

Because shopping for a 1-year-old boy is so difficult.

~Calminaiel~

"I hate being invited to things I don't care about."
"Speaking of which, wanna come to my gig next week?"

Unionized

2010-12-05T22:20:00.003-07:00

When I typed the title, I realized that word reminds me of both 'unicorn' and 'onion'.

But to other things.

I really believe people in customer service should have a union. Not a union which protects against unreasonable hours, or not enough pay. No, a union which protects them against crazy people.

That way, when people try to complain, or blame you for something which is A) not your fault, or B) out of your control, you can just step back and say "I'm sorry, but my union doesn't permit me to try to help people like you." However, you may then pass them a list of numbers to refer them to somebody who specializes in psychology, and tell them they may find help there.

Also, people who need to have their food or coffee exactly a certain way should not go to fast food places. While I was standing in line at Wendy's, I overheard somebody explaining how they wanted a burger, but with no meat or pickles. Then there was a woman who had three different coupons, requested specific toppings for her burger, and then wanted fries with no salt. For the sake of the girl working the till, I'm glad a new batch of fries had just come out of the fryer, and nobody had salted them yet.

But this woman wasn't done. She then proceeded to explain to the girl how to enter in the coupons, and how to use her gift card (oh yeah, she had one of those too). I felt bad for the girl, cause she seemed new-ish, and she had to keep getting her supervisor to ask him a question.

However, I had to admire her, because she never once showed that she was frustrated, or gave any indication that their request was stupid (which I was thinking the entire time). She was very nice. And when I sat down and realized I had a beef burger instead of the chicken burger I had ordered, I just ate it anyways. Cause she'd been through enough, and to be honest, I'd been debating between beef and chicken anyways.

I have to agree with Ken. Everybody should have to work a customer service job for at least a little while in their life. It would probably make the world a better place.

And just to end things off, a silly picture of me and my bassoon, clearly making beautiful music together. Or just in Banff, warming up for a rehearsal. However you'd like to interpret that.

~Calminaiel~

"Just remember, everybody is special, and everybody needs to be treated like they're 'special'."

Magic

2010-12-04T22:49:00.002-07:00

I saw Graham's school musical theater performance today. It was quite amusing, and I enjoyed myself. I kinda just told him about the little things that bugged me about the show, but I really did like it overall. It was a good way to spend a night.

And Graham's hair looked very well fan-blown, even though I was told it was done with a curling iron. I still think he should have walked onstage with a little hand-held fan and pointed it at his face every time he had a line. Also, I could have done without the whole kissing thing. But at the same time, I can't help feeling like I deserve it a little bit.

I had quite a productive day. CYO rehearsal...well, happened. Rehearsals around this time of year are kind of odd, cause we do really rehearse, but we also have Christmas music, which the CYO has played since the dawn of time itself. So we don't really rehearse them, we just run through them.

I also had quite a productive day of doing laundry, organizing my room a little, and cleaning my bathroom. The cleaning of the bathroom really only results because I have to do some laundry by hand, which I do in the bathroom sink, and I always figure before I wash clothes in it, it should be clean. Which just lead me to clean the rest of the bathroom while I'm at it. But it's probably for the best.

Other than that, I'm just waiting for this semester to be over so I can enjoy the break, and hopefully renew my interest in school and bassoon next semester. I've been getting stuck in this 'I really don't want to do this' phase lately. But I'm sure once next semester comes and I actually have time to practice and stuff it should be better.

And as long as I try not to think too hard about my upcoming recital, that plan should work.

~Calminaiel~

"Burn her!"

Amost There

2010-12-01T22:13:00.002-07:00

Gah, a month without updates. But the good news is, first semester is almost over, and as it has happened in the past two years, I expect second semester to be much better than the first.

Next semester will hopefully hold more time to practice, mostly because I don't have any morning class on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so I hope to get a good at least two hours of practice in every morning on those days. Which should vastly improve my playing.

November kinda feels like it was a blur. I think back to it, and all I can really think of is school. Not even specifics of what happened at school. I know I went, and did stuff...

I did go to Banff with the CYO, and had the Wind Ensemble workshop weekend with Bob Reynolds, which was pretty cool, and more enjoyable than I was slightly afraid it could've been.

I've been discovering how I don't quite have the hang of making dinner. In that, I'm not used to actually cooking dinner, to thinking out in advance what I'm going to have, and what I need for it, and actually getting the effort to make dinner. So far my best dinners have been canned soup, a side of cucumber, and a glass of eggnog, with my book to keep me company. Which is really quite cozy.

But I still invite myself over to my parents when I can. Microwaved soup gets a little tiring after a while.

My skin is getting insanely dry since winter really kicked in. I think it might be slightly worse than it was last year, since I really don't remember my skin getting this dry and itchy and just not feeling very nice. I'm almost starting to wonder if it would be easier to just get some good hydrating bath stuff, and have regular evening baths than having to slather my entire body with moisturizer every single night.

On another note, I should really get out and do my Christmas shopping soon, or I will forget and leave it to the last minute. Which I've been really good about not doing, so I don't want to break my streak now.

Unlike my Halloween streak, which I did break this year! Go me!

~Calminaiel~

"Is it bad that all I thought of at that moment was 'Make-up sex!'"

Halloween

2010-10-31T18:42:00.002-06:00

There's a natural progression when it comes to Halloween, I believe. I was going to tell this to Ken, but he's busy making dinner, and not really listening. Which is okay, because I like food. But since he's not listening to my thought, I shall tell you, faithful readers. Or semi-faithful readers. Or people who came upon this by chance.

So, natural progression to Halloween. There's a very natural crossover when it comes to the Halloween process. The balance to Halloween is that some people receive candy, and others give out candy. That's how society works. And eventually the ones who receive candy become the ones who give candy, and the circle of life continues.

By the way, I just had a 6 year old Batman come to my house. Teehee!

Anyways, I believe there is a very specific and natural rotation when it comes to Halloween, and I shall outline it now.

The first stage is during the years of 3-13 years old. During this stage, you're incredibly excited to dress up, and have a costume *pause*

I just got a dinosaur at my door! Teehee!

*unpause* and have costume parades at school and all that fun stuff that comes with Halloween. And trick or treating to get candy is an awesome bonus too. I liked this stage. We were never ones to buy costumes, but I never minded this, because Mom made the most kick ass costumes ever. I was an eagle one year. I think that was one of my favorite costumes made by Mom.

The next few stages don't have a specific time line, as it can be different for people. But the next stage occurs over the next few years. This stage is when you just really dress up for the hell of it, so you can still go trick or treating to get a pillowcase of candy. Why? Because free candy is awesome, and you're still young enough to get away with it. I definitely stuck some ribbons in my hair, stuck some vampire teeth in my mouth, and went trick or treating as whatever anybody wanted to think I was. Looking back, it was kinda lame. I got a group of those kids before my last two trick or treaters. They weren't really fun.

The next stage is indifference. You don't really feel like dressing up, you're too old to go trick or treating, so what's really the point? I lost interest in Halloween for at least two years. I think it's mostly realizing you can't trick or treat anymore, and not really being sure what you now have to look forward to with Halloween.

However, the last stage is the final stage in the circle of life, and that's when you begin to look forward to having trick or treaters, and giving them candy. This renews your interest in Halloween, and thus balance is restored and maintained.

I had three Halloween costumes this year. I went as Dr. Price on Friday, where everybody at school would get it, and I could imitate him all day. I went as a devil on Saturday to a house party, because that's the only place I would wear such a costume. And today I went to work as Mickey Mouse. And I guess I'm giving trick or treaters candy as Mickey Mouse.

My dad used to be a vampire for Halloween. I can't actually recall if he used to do this every Halloween, or if he only did it once or twice, and it just made a lasting impression in my mind. Anyways, he had *pause*

I just had a fairy princess! I went to the door and her face lit up! 'It's Mickey Mouse!' I gave her some candy and her dad told her to say thank you. 'Goodnight Mickey Mouse! I got candy from Mickey Mouse!' My life is now totally complete.

*unpause* So he had this vampire cloak, and I believe it lived in my closet for some time. At least, until I became a proper woman and began using my closet. And for some reason I was scared of this cloak. I think it eventually moved to Graham's closet because I was afraid of it, but I just remember thinking of it in my closet on those nights when I couldn't sleep. And that thought didn't help me to sleep.

And now I think I might text my father to compare our numbers for trick or treaters. I'm at three. I had a group of eight kids in the 'just trick or treating for the hell of it' stage, and I'm not really counting them, because they weren't cute.

~Calminaiel~

"I'm not scaring you, I'm scaring your hiccups!"

And then, Laugh

2010-10-20T23:09:00.003-06:00

Oh the stress of school again. How lovely. Instead of attempting to dish out reasons why I haven't posted in so long, or trying to summarize the last month or so, let me just tell you a series of instances, stories, quote, that will hopefully give you a good enough understand of the past little while.

Performance seminar candy!

"What are you doing to our ground?"

"I just went and bought food, and it's still hot, and it only took 10 minutes!"

Walking to Safeway, forgetting my wallet, walking home, walking back to Safeway.

Cleaning the bathroom, doing laundry by hand in the bathroom, and realizing I have to clean the bathroom all over again.

"Once upon a time, many years ago, there were musicians who were very bored. And these musician cried 'oh, won't somebody write some music we have to practice?' Then Beethoven came along. And he said 'don't worry bored musicians! I will write music you have to practice!' And there was much joy. Then, a few hundred years later, there were musicians who were not so bored. In fact, they were very busy. And yet, for some reason there was still a need to play the pieces of Beethoven, which required lots of practiced. And they would have cursed him to the end of his days, if that hadn't already happened."

"And now you'll want to leave this reed alone for a couple days. He's gone through some big life changes. He's been forced into a tubular shape, had pieces of him scraped off, and he's had mouths chomping on him. He needs some recovery time."

"I was going to say 'What would you do if you were trapped in a burning building, with no hope of escape? Would you call someone you love and tell them you're about to die?' But then I realized you wouldn't do that, you'd call 911."

"Is she really skinny? Or are your horses all just pudgy?"

"I'm not a big fan of going to bed early, but if I don't go to bed at the same time with him, and I climb in while he's already asleep, there's no way he'll be cuddly."

"Blah blah blah. I went to Eastman. I conduct the Wind Ensemble." *pout*

Oh, and the Stravinsky Octet seriously makes me feel like I'm on drugs.

~Calminaiel~

"And they never asked Beethoven that ever again."

Radiohead 2

2010-09-15T23:18:00.002-06:00

First of all, allow me to say that I am really not pleased with myself. In the way that I always seem to need people to really dig into me to actually get me to talk about something that's bugging me. And then when people don't have the time or effort to put into me, I start to feel super disappointed, and also mad at myself, because I know it's mostly my fault. Things would be so much easier if I could just start talking as soon as somebody says 'what's wrong?'. But instead, I always shrug, and they give me a look, but don't say anything else. And I'm left pleading inside my head for them to ask me one more time, and whatever is bugging me is left alone, still bugging.

Anyway. Now that that's out, I shall move on.

I went to a Radiohead movement piece with Graham today. Basically it's a theater piece that is mostly just movement, set to music from a Radiohead album.

I really went into it having no idea what to expect. Graham said it was really good, and not only do I trust his judgment, but there are also very few theater pieces I do not enjoy.

This definitely blew me away.

I'm not even sure how I'm going to say what I thought about it. And I'm not sure how much I'm going to even mention the piece itself, because I really don't know how to. It's a movement piece. How do you write about movement? It's like dancing about architecture.

However, I'm not going to rule out the possibility of me mentioning it, so just to cover myself, there is a potential spoiler alert coming up.

Not that there was much plot in this. It was very, very much up to personal interpretation, and what you took out of it. I'm going to say right now that my thoughts on it aren't really in an organized state right now, and I'm not sure if they ever will be. So what follows are my thoughts right now, as of about an hour and a half after the show. Keep up if you can.

I got a huge sense of society. Today's society, and how it doesn't make sense. How it often feels like everybody else is doing their own thing, and yet they all seem to be in on something that you don't know.

Common sense vs. the ridiculousness of the things people do. How sometimes there are people who stand up to what goes on. People trying to pull others out of the cycle of society, that spins away, and drags them down into nonsense. And then giving up, and just joining that majority. Because there's no use anyways, and because it's easier than trying to pull out of it.

Personal thoughts and feelings. Everybody is thinking something, and hoping for something, and at the same time, trying not to hope, because how could it ever possibly happen? Letting go, and allowing it to happen, and what is acceptable now, when 100, even 50 years ago, it wouldn't be tolerated.

Solitude, and feeling alone. At one point, he was in center stage, with people in chairs all around him. And he kept asking where everybody was, and even when one person answered, and said they're all in front of him, he couldn't see them. Don't you ever have that on the train? On the streets? You look around, and people have this expression...it's almost more than just neutral. It's empty. And even though you are surrounded by people you want to ask where everybody is. I ask where everybody is. Why they feel like they have to go away when they step onto the street.

Videos. Videos of people who are gone. People who are on their deathbed, and don't want to face the world. When they're gone, all you have are pictures, and videos. And in the videos, there is no sound. But you can see them. They're talking, smiling, laughing. You know they're gone, and this is all you have left. On one hand, you know this is only a shadow, only one part of this person who used to live, breathe, and feel. On the other hand, it's all you have left, and you never want to let go.

At first, I wanted to know what they were talking about. What story they were telling, what day they were reliving for the camera. I wanted to know what they were telling us. And I finally realized I didn't want to know. I just wanted to look at their faces, and see the emotion. See all the happiness and life there, and just know that each of them was a real person.

At the end, they all went silent. And one by one, they said the most sincere thank you that could be said without any noise. I wondered what they were thanking us for. For being there? For that perfect day? For everything?

Then it was over. And I'm left wanting time to stand still, so I can take a few moments to relive those moments of pure emotion. Wanting to go back, and watch that girl's fact on the screen, the one who was so full of life, and joy, and everything.

But time doesn't stand still. And soon enough I'll be pushed back out into it. I'll leave that dark theater, where the only thing real is what's happening in front of you.

But while I've learned that time doesn't stand still, I've also learned that people don't stay the same. I've learned that understanding the world is a constant process of comparing what we don't comprehend to our own experiences, and reassessing what we think we understand.

I may not come out of this a completely different person, and I may not begin changing everything I understand and believe because of this night. But I will take something away from it. I have taken something away from it.

And I know I won't have this constantly on my mind. But I will keep it away. Wrap it up in a box in my mind, and label it with a sharpie, or a post it note. To remind myself, when I'm feeling particularly hopeless, emotionless, like a walking, empty shell, to pull this out. Though it may not make me feel better, it will remind me there are still reasons to feel. That there are still people trying to make sense of this world.

And as long as there are still beautiful works of art worth thinking about, I think I'll make it through.

~Calminaiel~

"Catharsis..."

Silly Internetz

2010-09-14T20:28:00.003-06:00

I've been getting a lot of spam comments recently. It's slightly annoying. However, Blogger also just made a feature that auto-detects potential spam comments, and doesn't let them be published unless you confirm they're not spam. Which is kinda nice.

So, I'm currently at the end of the first two days of school. And I feel dangerously close to being a first year again.

Well, I definitely did during my first class on Monday, but that was because the class was in a room in Earth Sciences, and whenever I delve into the realm of the science buildings I always feel small and scared. Because, c'mon, there are all these...science people...

Anyways, I think it's also partly because I'm a third year now. And when I look back to when I was a first year, I remember what I thought of the third years. I admired most of them, and thought they were always cool and composed and knew exactly how things at the university go down.

To be fair, I could be underestimating myself a little bit. I do know a fair bit about how things at the university work, and I'm not exactly terrified of course outlines or homework anymore. But even so, I definitely do not feel like I'm the person I used to look up to a few years ago.

But I suppose that's almost always the way of things, when you work your way up in the world. I thought the Supes at MusiCamp were the coolest people ever. They were always so calm, and organized, and super fun. Now, having been a Supe, I still think they're a coolest people every, and super fun, but at the same time, most of camp all the Supes are practically sleepwalking their way through the day (I exaggerate slightly...but we don't get nearly as much sleep as is probably good for us), and we were definitely not as organized as I thought the Supes always were. We really fake it, and make stuff up half the time.

In general, I feel like I've forgotten how to be a university student. But I think part of that might be because I did more this summer than I usually do. Generally I just sit around the house with my brother all summer. This summer I actually went to MusiCamp for a month. And people who go to MusiCamp know that it's practically like entering another world. When I came back, I'd almost forgotten how you interact in a place that's not camp. With people who haven't been to camp.

I also moved out. Which took up some time, and a lot of thought. So a lot of the summer, especially after I got back from camp, was adjusting to the new place, getting used to cleaning and cooking (and reminding myself to actually eat regular meals), and just generally getting comfortable in my new space. Suddenly university is thrown on top of that, and I'm left thinking 'But...what about spending time in my space?'

But I know it'll get better. It's just weird having the summer off, and going and doing different stuff, and suddenly I'm back, and it feels like it's been forever since I've been there.

However, one of the things I always admired about the third years that I do actually have: a pretty kick ass schedule. Every day I start at either 10:30 or 11, and every day I end at either 3 or 3:30. I'm totally okay with that. I get to sleep in, and I can still keep my evenings open for work. I still haven't scheduled my lessons, but we're pretty sure they're going to be on Monday evenings, and I'm trying to go for Monday afternoons if we can do that.

I also had this really weird thought while I was wandering through the sciences building: that Ken will be at Sait all this year, so he won't be hanging out at the university, so he won't be here to see me. And for some reason that thought scared the hell out of me for a few minutes, before I told myself to pull myself together and suck it up.

I also think I'm exaggerating this whole being scared of school thing just slightly. It's not that I'm actually afraid, it's just that it's a big schedule change, from hanging out at home and just getting things done as they needed to be done, to having classes and just having a lot more stuff to do in general. I don't tend to deal with drastic schedule changes very well, so I suppose I shouldn't be entirely surprised by this reaction.

I haven't been to the bar yet, which is more than I can say of some of my friends. But I think I have used up my weekly allowed amount of swearing in the first two days, and I'm currently heading into overload.

I was also playing Ken's Civilization game on his computer, and even though I was at least 2000 points ahead of everybody, another country won just because they got into space before I did. I am not pleased, and even though I know I should start another game, cause I have a different strategy idea for my next round, I feel like ignoring both the game, and Ken's computer for a while. Just to give them time to think about what they did.

I'm kind of glad I don't tend to re-read these posts, cause I'm pretty sure I would not be pleased with the quality of my writing. I also say 'I' a lot here. But that's allowed, cause it's my blog, right? Right...

But really, hopefully I'll actually have some interesting stories to tell here, and not just random facts about what I'm doing with my days.

~Calminaiel~

"That's completely different. It's like comparing apples to geese."

Pizza Thoughts

2010-09-08T17:05:00.002-06:00

So, I was sitting at the stove, stirring the tomato sauce for the pizza Ken's making.

We seem to have a pretty good deal going on that Ken makes food, and I do dishes. I'm okay with it and he seems pretty okay with it. It's a pretty good system. Especially since he doesn't like doing dishes, and I...well, I like making food, I'm usually too lazy to do it. I'd rather complain about being hungry until somebody does something about it. But I digress.

So I'm stirring the sauce, and suddenly I have this image pop into my head of me and Ken owning a nice piece of land, like a farm, and me explaining to this kid (I presumed it was some sort of niece) that at our house, the men always go outside to do the work, and the women stay inside to cook for the men.

Then it changed to the kid being my kid, and a few more kids appeared, all mine, and I was explaining to my parents (who were visiting) that the kids are always either working on the farm or cooking for the ones working, regardless of male or female, and they have to earn their free time. Unless they have homework, then they're exempt from working and cooking, as long as they're working on their homework.

At this point one of the younger children started to cry, and I asked one of the older children to take care of her while I finished dinner. My children were apparently very well behaved.

It was at this point in this little...I don't even know what to call this...that I realized I had been imagining me speaking with a southern accent the entire time. This weirded me out so much that I went back and tried to fix it, but it refused to be fixed, and so I abandoned this little spurt of imagination that seemed to come out of nowhere.

I just poked a happy face into the pizza dough with my finger.

Anyways, I thought you would enjoy this little story, because I find it rather amusing. And also a little weird how I had a very dream-like thought pop up while I was still very awake.

Recent activities have also included venturing to the university, standing in lines, welcoming Jocelyn home, Ken and I betting on if Jocelyn's home (she spends a lot of time in her room...we're not judging her, but we also sometimes jokingly wonder if she likes us...), and me being mopey about the fact that we don't have any scissors in the house, and how we don't have a snake.

I really wanted a snake, because they're awesome, and Mom would never let a reptile in her house. But I also really wanted to get it before school starts, because I was positive that once school starts, we won't really have much time to put into getting things ready for a snake. I'm not really worried about not having time to look after the snake once school starts. In my experience of doing things, getting started is often the hardest part for me.

And I also felt really stupid when Ken proclaimed to me that I had bought tomato paste instead of tomato sauce for the pizza.

However, in other news, I was just reminded of my liking for the word 'proclaim'. Along with 'procure' which I can now only imagine in the context of Santa Claus 'procuring' the deed to somebody's land.

But that's another story. Ask Graham.

~Calminaiel~

"...and that's why Graham's not allowed to touch the lamps."

New Home

2010-08-22T19:04:00.003-06:00

Yay! I'm back from camp, and after a week of sleeping, shopping, adjusting, and cleaning (well...not so much cleaning...but more on that later), I think I'm ready to blog again.

Or rather, I'm making myself blog again, because of the previously discussed laziness factor. Anyways.

Camp was a lot of fun, and I hope to dedicate a few posts to it before classes start up. I got back on Sunday, spent a few days sleeping, hung out with the Supes again on Wednesday, slept for a few more days, shopped for a dress, and attended a wedding in said dress. I also bought two additional dresses, two skirts, and a new shirt, but that's besides the point.

Ken and I went to his cousin's wedding yesterday. It was pretty fun. The first wedding I've been to since I was really young, so it's really the only wedding I remember in detail.

It was a little wordy, not going to lie. But I get that after my dad, really. We're not much for speeches. At least not the long ones. So when they started going into childhood stories before the vows were made I started to doze off a little. And I also could have done without the hour and 45 minute speech session before the reception too.

Ken and I spent a lot of time yesterday joking about 'our' wedding (hypothetical, of course), and talking about how it would be done differently and such. I figured I'm going to have a tough time picking out music. During most of the wedding, and beforehand, whenever music came on I would sit there thinking 'cheesy...cheesy...really cheesy..." I finally told Ken I'd just use the Darth Vader theme song as my bride music and be done with it. He was okay with that.

And I was also a little annoyed by how the bridesmaids and the bride walked down the aisle. Step...step...pause...step...step...pause...

Yeah, none of that for me.

I was going to talk a little bit more about actually living in the new place, but Ken and I are going to watch a movie tonight, and I said I wanted to finish blogging, but Ken popped popcorn anyways, so it's already pretty cold. So I should probably go so I can eat moderately warm popcorn.

Actually, by the time the movie's in and we're ready to go, it probably will barely be moderately warm. I guess I won't be eating much popcorn tonight.

~Calminaiel~

"Catharsis!"

I Cry a Lot

2010-06-30T23:59:00.000-06:00

I really need to get back into doing blog things, other than just posting, which I don't even do that often. Mainly, reading other people's blogs. I try to do this on a regular basis, but I still don't feel like I'm doing it enough. Although apparently my brother has started blogging on a regular basis, so I'm definitely going to have to get in on that action.

Also, Ken's parents are on vacation. Which means all the time I should be spending on moving out, I'm actually spending on living at his place. It's really slightly less than productive.

Anyways, I've been promising to keep up with updates when something actually happens, so here I am.

Sunday night, me and Ken decided to go out and saddle up a horse for me. Why we decided to do this in the evening, just as the sun was setting when the bugs are t their worst, I don't really know. Probably because I haven't ridden in a while, and Ken was actually in the mood to go out there, so I wasn't about to stop us.

We brushed and saddled Jake, cause so far he's the only one I've ridden. Ken also sprayed the other horses with bug spray, which they don't entirely appreciate, but I'm sure they like the break from the bugs for a while.

I walked Jake around for a little bit, but ever since I went riding last time (which was a while ago) I've been thinking about getting better at trotting. I got Jake to trot a couple times last time, but I didn't really get into the rhythm of it. I just kinda bounced around on top, which made it feel a lot like an amusement park ride but without a safety bar to hold on to.

So we're not really sure what happened next. Probably a combination of him being slightly agitated by bugs, and me riding with my boots for the first time, which probably felt different than my shoes, and the saddle not being on quite as tight as it probably should have been...anyways, the point is, I'm not really sure what happened, but I went to nudge Jake into a trot, and he kinda took off on me. And when he got to the fence and swung to the side, I fell off.

Now, falling off a horse is a different experience than I've ever had before. I don't actually remember the falling part. I remember being on Jake has he turned at the fence, and then I was on the ground. I faintly recall having a vague thought something along the lines of "Horses are really tall." before the pain kicked in.

I heard Ken talk to Jake, and go calm him down and take his saddle off. I think I was registering whether my body was still working. And since all my limbs were bending the right way, at the right places, and I wasn't in any excruciating pain, I concluded that I wasn't badly hurt. The side of my back down to my butt hurt pretty bad, where I hit the ground. But it was mostly just a bad throbbing pain, nothing super sharp.

I believe it was about the time Ken came over to me that I started to cry. At first it was mostly just the first feeling of pain and the whole shock of the fall that started it. But that reason for crying really only lasted maybe a minute. Which for some reason I seem to think it should have lasted more. But more on that later.

I feel pretty silly about the main reasons I was crying. To be fair, when I start crying, I tend to continue crying on pretty irrational reasons. I was really disappointed that I did something wrong, and how this is the second time Jake's taken off on me, and how he probably really doesn't like me, and how Ken's never going to want to put me on a horse again, and mostly just how I fell of Jake, and that Jake threw me off in general.

When I calmed down a little, Ken corrected most of these thoughts without me having to voice any of them. I also corrected a few of them myself. This is the second time Jake's taken off on me, but the first time was a problem with the saddle, not necessarily anything I did (although I did hit his backside when I was mounting him that time...but that's not the point). Ken says Jake does like me, and horses generally do feel a little bad when their riders fall off, and they understand that something didn't go right. I don't think he specifically said he would take me riding again, but I sort of came to that conclusion myself.

And finally he told me that Jake didn't intentionally try to throw me off, something just didn't go right. And to be honest, I probably should have walked him around more before trying to get him into a trot. But I was just so excited to be on a horse again! Which I wonder if that may have resulted in me kicking him a little harder than last time...but then, I was also using last time as an example, when I had to nudge him quite a few times to finally encourage him to trot. Silly horse.

But no harm was done to me, besides having a sore back for the last couple days. Like Dad says, I'm young, I can take it. Mom got weepy when I told her the story, but Mom gets weepy about everything.

After I stopped crying, Ken went out to clean up the saddle and let the horses go. He just brought me straight inside and left them all in the corral. I asked to go out, because I had this urge to see Jake again. Maybe this is common when somebody falls off a horse. Ken said he was going to leave that for the morning, but I could come out if I wanted to. So I did, and as soon as I saw Jake I started crying again. I still felt bad for...falling off him? Honestly, my dominant feeling at the moment was wanting to apologize to him for falling off.

So I started crying all over again, which made me feel super ridiculous. But Ken let me stand there and hug him for a while, and brush the bugs off him. Then we let the horses out, and I went inside to fill out a self-evaluation for my annual review at work.

Anyways, it was an odd experience, because that night I basically alternated between thinking about how scary it really was having him take off on me, and wanting to just get back up on that saddle (literally) and try it again. I mean, maybe not try trotting right away again. But I definitely want to get on him and keep working at getting comfortable with him when he's walking, and hopefully build up to trotting. In a better way than I obviously did this time.

Even just an hour or so after falling, when Ken was telling me how he's not sure about Jake, since he's on of the oldest of their horses and had the most training, he usually puts new riders on him, but lately he's had a few people fall off him. I told him I'd ride Jake again. And I'm looking forward to riding Jake again.

I'm going to try not to over think this whole thing too much, since I have a terrible time of doing that. But it was definitely a new experience, so I figured it deserved telling in full.

Side story: just as I was starting to finish crying in the house, I realized the inside seam of my pants had ripped while falling off. I mentioned this to Ken, and he made a joke that we're fix it using a piece of Jake's hide. This joke sent me into a full round of hysterical laughter, mixed with a new round of hysterical sobbing. It had to be one of the weirdest feelings I've ever had, and I wonder what Ken was thinking of it. As soon as my body was willing to let me speak again, I told Ken that Jake really wouldn't like me after that.

~Calminaiel~

"But it wasn't just talking, it was crazy menopausal talking."

Gah, it's real

2010-06-22T13:23:00.002-06:00

Jocelyn texted Ken this morning to tell him that she's moving into the condo today and tomorrow. Which means we can start moving in anytime. Well, we always had the option to start moving in anytime, but she knew that we were sort of waiting for her to go first, as it were.

So. That means it's actually happening.

I mean, I always knew it was actually happening. Especially once I saw the place, got a key, etc. But...I don't know. I know Rae understands this feeling, because she told me she felt the same way. I'll do my best to explain it now.

I'm experiencing a lot of emotions from this whole moving out deal. And this is just the pre-actual-moving stage, so I have no idea how I'm going to feel after that happens. But anyways. Mostly, I've been excited, as most people know. Sometimes I'm a little terrified. Not because I don't think I can do it, but just because it's going to be a change, and it'll be different. And changes and different experiences are always a little frightening, at least for me.

But it's mostly been excitement. Truth be told, I've been wanting to move out for the past little while (mostly just the last year or so) and this is a great opportunity. I didn't want to move out cause I don't enjoy living with my family (well...usually). I just felt like I wanted to see what it was like having a place, and what not.

So for the past few months I've almost had that 'too good to be true' feeling. I mean, it's a really fair sized place, decent location, living with a bunch of friends, living with Ken, great deal on rent. I sort of felt like if I talked too much about it, or got too excited about it, I'd jinx it, and it wouldn't happen somehow.

Lately that feeling's been going away, as we paint the place, and as I show my parents, and basically as the whole thing becomes more real, and less like just a bunch of plans.

So now all that seems to be left is to truck all my stuff over there.

The problem is, Ken seems to be content with some plan to move in slowly. That is, he'll just sort of transfer more stuff over to the place every day or so, until he's pretty much entirely moved in.

That sounds like a good plan. But I don't think it'll work for me. I can't really imagine how to move in, other than just moving my bed, clothes, bookcases and tables over there and then worrying about other little stuff later.

Not that I'm worried about any of this stuff. I'm mostly just pondering out loud. If you can call blogging 'out loud'.

I'm at Ken's right now. He's off playing at a funeral. I was going to go with, and then just take his car and do something until he was done. But he never knows how long funerals are going to go, and then we'd both just have to worry about when I should be back, and if he's only going to be there for about an hour, hour and a half, that doesn't leave too much time for me to actually go and do anything. Not that I have anything to do today anyways, since I had a bunch of shifts canceled this week.

Which leaves me here. He has a book on horses that I really want to read, so I might pick that up. He also said I could go out and shoot gophers, which is always fun too. But they also don't seem too active today. At least, I don't see many outside the window. Not enough to make me go outside, anyways.

So there's a moving update, which I know really wasn't much of an update, except to say that it's going to be happening soon. Once we have stuff in, along with some furniture, and get the place cleaned up a bit, I'll give you some pictures. Maybe I'll even steal Graham's camera to give you a video tour.

~Calminaiel~

"I'm really scared about that quote."

My Bad (Just Kidding!)

2010-06-15T19:09:00.002-06:00

Hey guys. I'm being lazy again. I'll try to get better, even though I know I say that every time. I think my problem is just that not a lot happens over the summer, so I don't feel like I need to talk about it as much as during the rest of the year.

Anyways, hopefully I can stop beginning posts with that lame shpeal soon.

In other news, I'm blogging on my iPod! I recently got an iPod Touch. 64G, which I know is probably kinda excessive, but I wanted it anyways, and the guy at the Apple store gave me on a deal on it. Future Shop was doing a sale on their iPods, and apparently the Apple store does price matching. Good to know, right?

I'm at Mount Royal now, just waiting for my CYO audition. It's not until 9, and it's only about 7 right now. But Ken has rehearsal just across the road, so I figured instead of dropping him off, driving home, and then driving back, I'd just hang out here for a while. Which was obviously a good idea, cause now I'm blogging.

What else is new? I'm supposed to be moving in sometime this week. That is, if the tile is done and the carpets are cleaned. So that should be an adventure. I really am quite excited, but the whole process is goin a little slow for my liking. But then, I also tend to be a little impatient sometimes, and I've been looking forward to this for quite a while. But I shouldn't complain. There have been times when I've felt a little scared or overwhelmed about moving out, so it's probably a good thing that it's taking a little while. And I really liked spending a couple days with all of us painting the place. Even though I really didn't do as much work as pretty much everyone else. But even so. I thought it really made the place feel like ours. It did for me, anyways.

Once we're properly moved in, and the place has been cleaned up, I'll take a couple pictures and post them here. It was kind of funny when I showed my parents the place, cause we still had tarps, and other post-painting messes kicking around. Mostly all the trays and rollers sitting in the entrance, which must have made a great first impression, I'm sure.

Well, I think I'll leave it at that for now. I promise to regularly give updates on the moving process. After that, the next big thing will be MusiCamp, which I got an email about from the Baron just a few days ago. I've talked about this before, but I'll try to give updates while I'm there, and if I can't, I'll try to keep a journal or something, so I can talk about it when I get back.

Oh, and I still have to plan a backyard party before I leave. Special request from Miranda.

I'm getting pretty good at typing on my iPod. The worst part is the M is pretty close to the backspace, so I will find myself deleting rather than typing an M sometimes.

~Calminaiel~

"I really want to ask him if he ever heard anything."

Today's the Greatest

2010-05-27T15:45:00.003-06:00

It is a very rainy day today.

In fact, it is almost the most perfect kind of rainy day. Practically no wind (maybe a slight breeze now and then), and a nice, steady amount of rain. Definitely more than a non-committed spitting, but not quite enough to be considered a down pour. A very nice rain for spring, as it's slow enough for it to actually soak into the ground.

So me and Graham decided to go for a walk down to the corner store with Champ. At first I was going to do my usual thing in the rain, which is wear a jacket to provide warmth, but other than that, just go out and get wet and have fun. However, I tried something new with my hair this morning.

Herbal Essences Tousle Me Softly mousse. The commercials looked very convincing (as is their job) and I've been thinking I should really start opening up to the fact that my hair would like to curl, instead of trying to force it to be straight all the time. So I invested in some of that, which is meant to create waves, and also in the Totally Twisted mousse, which is more for curls. Of course, then I also went online and bought the type of hair dryer extension you're supposed to use for that mousse. Anyways.

The point is that I used the Tousle Me Softly mousse and had a head of messy waves. I wasn't positive that they looked fantastic, but it was something new to try.

So when me and Graham decided to go for a walk, I stepped outside, and suddenly felt like it was an umbrella like day. I know, I'm not usually a big umbrella person. But the day seemed to call for it, and between keeping my hair the way it was, not being sure if it really looked good, and taking the gamble of how it would look after getting rained on and drying...I decided to try to keep it the the way it was.

Walking with an umbrella really was quite fun. I enjoyed myself.

I got back home, and found out that while humidity makes my hair frizzy, cold moisture outside is actually quite good for my curls. My messy waves turned into a sort of halfway-between-messy-and-neat curls. Which I think is kinda cute. Like, it almost looks neat enough to be turned into a fancy up-do, but they're just a little too much on the causally-messy side to actually do it. I'm glad I'm going out tonight so people can see me.

Joel's piece is being played by the CPO tonight, so I'm excited to hear it. I also spend more money than I really needed to on tickets, because I didn't see the cpossibilities option until after I checked out, which kinda sucked. But it's not a huge deal, it's not like the tickets were super expensive anyways, so I'm not too bothered about it. Just slightly.

Champ's now laying in the living room on top of a couple of towels I put down for him. Normally when he's wet we just leave him outside. But I felt bad for putting him outside in the rain, especially when he was so good on his walk in the rain. So I put down a couple of towels so he could lay in the living room with us. The room kinda smells like wet dog, but I'm okay with that.

~Calminaiel~

"And he's pooping."

I'm back!

2010-05-21T22:32:00.002-06:00

From nowhere at all. Honestly, being a lazy person, I have no excuse for not posting for so long, other than just being lazy.

To be fair, I haven't had all that much to say. A lot of my life so far this summer is just working and hanging out with people.

Anyways, to make up for my not posting for so long, I shall tell you all about the biggest piece of news I have.

I'm moving out. And I'm pretty excited.

Jocelyn's grandparents own this three bedroom condo, and they're renting it out to her. So the plan is that we're going to have 5 people in this condo. Jocelyn and Greg in one room, me and Ken in another room, and then either Jocelyn's brother or her friend in the last room. I haven't seen the place yet, but Jocelyn says it's a pretty fair sized place. Big enough for five people to live there and not get in each others' space.

Seeing as there will be five people there, rent will be a pretty good deal. Every once in a while I worry about it, but I'm pretty sure once I stop spending money I really don't need to spend, I'll be fine. When I look at my bank statements, most of my withdrawals are for food, coffee, or other things I really didn't need to spend money on. But that's enough of that subject.

We're all pretty excited. It's just a few minutes walk from a train station, so that's super convenient. Apparently it's attached to a rec center, which we'll have full access to, and it also has big rooms we can rent out for parties and stuff. Me and Ken have already done a walk through Ikea, just for some window shopping. We're pretty sure we're going to have lots of fun organizing our room.

So, in other news.

I've discovered, and am starting to appreciate, loose leaf tea. Jocelyn works at Steeps, a tea place in Calgary, which has so many different types and flavors of tea. I'm really having a good time discovering different flavors. And keeping track of my favorites. Ken bought me a very awesome tea mug, which keeps things hot for an entire day. I bought a loose leaf teapot for my mom for Mother's Day. I was debating getting one for myself too, for when I move out, but then Ken reminded me that I'm moving in with Jocelyn, who apparently has quite the extensive teapot collection. So I don't have to worry about that.

I'm apparently going to Banff tomorrow. Ken, his friend Brandon, and his girlfriend Ashley were planning on going to the mountains for a hike or something. I have to work tomorrow evening, but Ken still wanted to invite me. He just texted me tonight and said that they're thinking of just going up for a walk around, lunch, hot springs outing. Which sounds awesome, and should make it pretty easy for us to get back on time for work.

So I hope this makes up a little bit for my recent lack of posting. As I always do when I don't update for a while, I'll try to update more recently, and not suddenly drop off the planet on you guys. Especially when I have no good reason for doing so.

~Calminaiel~

"So I don't need a reason to look at you, but it costs me a kiss?"

Awesome

2010-05-03T23:58:00.003-06:00

So, just a quick note, since I wasn't actually going to blog tonight. I thought about it while waiting for the bus, but I decided I didn't really have anything to say at this particular time.

But then I got home, and did the routine check on my blog, just to see how things are going, and I found that somebody commented on my blog. Not a follower, or a friend, just another blogger. Which made me very happy, because I like it when people comment on my blog. I like hearing people's thoughts on what I'm saying, and it's nice to know people actually read this mess of words I put up here.

That got me thinking that maybe I should comment on blogs more. It makes me happy when people do it for me, so why don't I often do it for other bloggers? It doesn't even have to be complicated. Just something saying I enjoyed their post or something.

Anyways, so that's one thing. Then I looked up this person who commented on my blog, and found their blogs, and looked into those. Then I went to link their blogs to mine, so I'll read them.

This is where things get really interesting. Because (while I was contemplating making a slight layout change) I went to look at any new things I could add to the side there, and guess what I found!

Well, you've probably already noticed it. But it's a search engine for my blog! This is awesome, because it basically eliminates the need for me to tag / label posts, which I've sort of been considering, but that would mean I'd have to go back and do all of them since the dawn of time itself, and I didn't feel like doing that.

Anyways, I highly suggest just playing around with it a little. If you want. I know I did, and I found it super fun. But that's also just me.

But that's really the only thing I have to say for now. The only real layout change I was thinking was to do with the organization of my blog lists. You probably won't notice at all, so no cause for panic.

~Calminaiel~

"Can we go have sex now?"

Just Breathe

2010-04-24T19:14:00.002-06:00

He asks me what I'm thinking.

I want to tell him I'm trying to preserve this moment. To make it last as long as possible, and to remember every detail that I can.

I imagine him asking me why I'm doing that. I don't really have an answer. Maybe because it's night, and it's dark. Both tend to make me particularly thoughtful. Maybe I just want to hold on to it, for rainy days and such. Maybe there's just so much to feel, and to be, at this moment, I just want more time to feel and be as much as I can.

Basically, I don't know what I would say if he asks why. And so I don't answer his question. I shrug. I say I don't know. I say not much. He starts talking again, and I allow myself to be lost in his stories, and his thoughts.

The only slight downside to tonight is the breeze. It's a little stronger than I'd like it to be, and it's chilly too. But it smells like summer, so I know it's a friend.

I've never sat in the playground on any of my night walks before. But when we walked by, the tire swing looked very inviting. Even though I'm wearing a skirt, I walked over to it and perched on one side, folding my skirt underneath to keep it still against the breeze. He sat on the other side, and soon started slowly turning us with one foot.

I'm alternating between letting my one foot brush against the ground, and holding it against my leg to keep it from getting too cold. It doesn't work too well, so I go back to brushing it against the pebbles in the playground. I can feel my feet gathering the dust that always clings to them, and it feels familiar. I'm playing a game with myself. As he turns us, his foot creates holes in the pebbles. When I come around, I smooth them out. He keeps making holes, and I keep smoothing them out.

The night isn't extraordinary, as nights go. I mean, it is, because all time I spend with the night is extraordinary. But as far as sights go, it's pretty plain. The sky is clear, but there's never may stars in the city. The moon isn't full, so there's no moon shadows. There's just beautiful darkness, broken by street lights and the glow from downtown.

Some noisy guys walk by. They pay no attention to us, but they break the natural sounds of the park at night. We let them pass, and I'm allowed to listen to his talking again in peace.

He's sitting with his back to me, which is keeping my back warm. But apparently I've said something shocking, because he turns to look at me, and then turns around so his chest is against my back. I suppose this is just as good. Now his arms can keep me warm too, even though I know he's colder than I am. I can feel him shivering.

After many rotations of the tire swing, I start getting bored of seeing the same scenery, in the same order, and thinking the same thing every time I pass it. I close my eyes.

The breeze is still cold, but the smell of summer is still there, so I know it's still good. Every turn the breeze blows my hair into my face, and I can smell it. It keeps my face warm, and it's familiar. I sigh, and lean closer to the chain I've been holding on to. It smells like metal, like the playground, like smiles and laughter. All good smells.

But it's still cold. When we get up to go, my feet are sore from hanging in the cold air, and it almost hurts to step on the pavement. But it's worth it. I could have waited until it was warmer. And I could have gone alone. But as far as first summer night walks go, this was a pretty good one.

~Calminaiel~

"Don't interpret my stomach noises."

Please Continue

2010-04-12T23:03:00.002-06:00

Not much to say this time around except to give you a little update on life. I haven't had any life changing thoughts, or gone through any monumental moments. (Say that a few times fast. Fun times.)

My history paper is officially done and handed in. I'm not sure if it's A material, but it's something, and it's done. I meant to give back my library books today, but I never got around to it. By the time I was ready to go home after work, I definitely wasn't feeling like dragging a big bag of books to the library. I'll leave that for another day. At least they're not overdue.

It's that time of year where I flip from being sure that I'll be fine in my classes, to panicking about how I'm going to fail everything. When I logically think about how the semester has gone, I'm pretty sure that if I don't pass with flying colours, I'll at least pass, which is still something. But every once in a while the amount of things I still have to do suddenly crashes down on me, and panic ensues. However, I've also found that panic and pessimism happens most strongly on Sunday evenings and Mondays, and usually the first part of Tuesdays. After that, the week looks better. And seeing as how Monday is now ending, I'm thinking the rest of the week can't be too bad.

At the same time, the fact that my two exams are on a Monday afternoon and a Tuesday afternoon does not fill me with confidence about how my mood will be on the preceding Sunday evening. But I won't worry about that until it gets here.

I was going to say all the things I don't have to worry about anymore, and also all the things I still have to finish before this week is over, but I just took a few moments to briefly think about that list, and I concluded that listing all of that in writing might just trigger my panic alarm to go off. It tends to be quite sensitive around this time of year. Which means it'll also tend to go off over things that I don't even need to worry about. I feel like I should have a sign or a t-shirt or something warning people about this.

I'll be sure to give more interesting updates over the summer. I've got quite the list of plans for the summer. Not concrete plans, because if the entire summer were laid out in concrete I might but explode in an attempt to blow it all away. Ironic, since I've looked forward to summer for quite a while now.

I just have a lot of ideas I wouldn't mind doing over the summer. Which I think is the best way to 'plan' summer.

Things I would like to happen include:

Working on my technique on bassoon.

Making reeds.

Playing badminton with Graham, and generally just doing a lot of walking to 7-11 for Slurpees.

Watering plants (both indoor and outdoor) and taking care of the garden.

Cleaning my room, and putting another bookshelf in it.

Making small, random trips out of town.

Cooking.

Learning to ride with Ken.

Go swimming.

There are probably other things I've thought of, but if I took the time to list every single thing I've ever thought of doing over the summer...well, I don't exactly know what would happen, but I'm assuming I'd get bored of writing it, and you'd get bored of reading it, so we'll leave the list at that.

And, of course, I'll be a Supe at MusiCamp around the end of summer, which I'm really looking forward to. I'm also slightly frightened, because I've heard rumors of Supe pranks that happen, and one included something along the lines of somebody waking up with a live lobster on their face. But I'm still super excited.

I hope to give regular updates of all my summer adventures. Of course, in between adventures, I wouldn't mind time to just sit and enjoy a cold drink with a book, maybe some video games, and of course, to complain about the heat that I've looked forward to for so long. Such is life.

I don't know how many opportunities I'll have to blog while at MusiCamp. I have a feeling the only time I'll have would be before bed, and something tells me I'll be too tired to want to devote time to coherent blogging about the day. Hopefully I'll record some of my adventures in my notebook, and I'll be able to share them later.

And I think that's enough thinking for one night.

~Calminaiel~

"No girlz allowed."

A Sequence of Thoughts

2010-04-01T16:01:00.003-06:00

These thoughts occurred after wind ensemble rehearsal today. My reeds were not working out for me, and I was generally reminded about how unhappy I was with my playing in general. Than I reflected how my problem is that I tend to want to avoid unpleasant experiences, so when playing becomes unpleasant for me, instead of wanting to sit in a practice room and fix it, I just want to avoid playing in general. Then I reflected about how I don't feel like I can talk to anybody about this issue, because they'll just say "Well, there's you're problem, why don't you just fix it?", which I don't find particularly helpful, nor understanding.

Needless to say, I was not in the greatest mood come the end of rehearsal.

I could stay here and try to get some work done. But I'm not in a great mood, and having to do work on top of bad moods doesn't generally end well. Maybe I'll see what Ken is up to. Not doing anything because I'm hanging out with Ken always makes me feel better than not doing nothing because I'm feeling useless.

So I sent out a test to Ken: Rawr <3 What are you up to?

Ken's reply: I'm at home, do you want to come over?

This made me smile.

I like it when he seems to read my mind like that.

My text: ...maybe.

Ken's reply: But you don't have a car...Or do you?

Damn, I don't. I doubt he'll want to drive up to the university to pick him up, and I'm not about to be a whiny girlfriend and start telling him that he should.

My text: Ugh, I don't.

Ken's reply: I'll come pick you up then? :)

Wow...

I'm probably the luckiest girl ever.

Following that event, my mood was made ever so much better by the fact that Greg gave me my little schedule book which I had left behind at the bar last night. I was positive it would still be there, but it always bugs me when I loose things, particularly very important things like the little book that tells me where people are expecting me to be each day. So that improved things a little.

PS, I'm aware I have to finish my paper. It'll get done. I promise. You know how I do things. I'm just always a step or two behind everybody else.

~Calminaiel~

"I will finish it! Just not this afternoon."

A Pensive Moment

2010-03-31T18:51:00.003-06:00

I have just a little bit of time before I should go over to the Rozsa for the brass choir / percussion ensemble concert. I'm currently sitting in Mac Hall after getting some dinner. The Gig Club (which I've never heard of, and don't know anything about) is hosting this 24 hour music expo, and it's kinda nice to just sit here and listen to some music for a while. It's mostly all just guitar and singing, although I think Vocalectic sang earlier today for it.

Anyways, it is really bugging me how I know nothing about this club that's hosting a music expo. As above stated, they're called the Gig Club, but all they continue to say is that they're doing this for UNICEF, and donations would be great. The only info dek they have set up is about UNICEF. I'm thinking I should keep an eye out for them in the future. Not that I know if I'd like to join them, I'm just curious about what they're all about.

But I suddenly had a pensive thought, and I figured I'd post it here before I either forgot it or found I wasn't in the mood to blog about it.

Lately I've been finding that I'm appreciating music more. All types of music. Even the crazy contemporary piece that Wind Ensemble's been playing. Even the jr. high and high school band who's concerts I usher. Even the guitarists and singers in Mac Hall right now, even if their singing quality isn't of the highest caliber. Even the music we're starting to study in history class, where composers starting using sound in their music, which many people wouldn't consider to be music at all.

In general I'm starting to appreciate sound more. Maybe because of this history class. I find there are musical elements it many sounds, if you take the time to just listen.

But a lot of the time I find that I enjoy music that is being enjoyed by others. Namely, the performers. Whether it's the guitarist onstage, or the high school bands, or the new music festival (which featured some pretty out-there music), I found I enjoyed it a lot more when it was clear that the performer(s) enjoyed creating that music.

Anyways, I feel there's a lot more I could say about this, but I still haven't even been able to put a lot of my thoughts into words yet, so I'm continue to contemplate on it.

But something else I've found is that as I appreciate different music and sounds of others, my appreciation for the music I play and create gets less.

~Calminaiel~

"I'm not sorry we met.
I'm not sorry it's over."

Wealth of Information

2010-03-21T23:59:00.002-06:00

First thought: I can see the moon right outside my bedroom window tonight, which is different. Usually it's right above the house, or outside of the back kitchen window. It's nice, especially in the mood I'm currently in.

I know it's ridiculously late, on a Sunday night, when I have to be up early tomorrow for the quiz first thing in the morning, not to mention all the homework and practical stuff that has yet to get done, and yet here I am, blogging. But I'm not feeling like I'm going to get anything productive done anyways, and I feel in a talkative mood, and I'm staying up to chat with Ken anyways, so I might as well share thoughts here as well.

I've noticed a particularly funny thing with relationships. Or rather, mine at least. I guess that's the only ones I can really talk about with any really knowledge. Anyways.

I didn't notice it as much in my first relationship (but, to be fair, I didn't notice that much in that one anyways), my second one was a little more apparent, and my third one was so obvious it almost made me laugh at times.

I've noticed that in the beginnings of my relationships, there almost seems to be this race to let the other person know more about you. I noticed this in me with my second, but with my recent one with Ken, this was very clear with both of us. We were sharing thoughts, experiences, memories...pretty much anything that came to mind. We've even both looked through some of each others' childhood pictures.

I just find it kind of funny how we've been friends (or at least, known each other in orchestra) for the last 3 years, and suddenly when we started dating it seemed like we had to let each other know exactly who we were and what we've done all at once.

It made me wonder just a little bit why this happens. I'm not complaining. Just wondering. There's rarely a time in a social situation where you feel compelled to let another person know everything (or at least, as much as can be said in a single conversation) there is to know about you.

Maybe we were both already so comfortable with each other, after knowing each other for so long, that the only really next step was to know a little bit more. Maybe it was just the joy of having somebody you know is interested in your life, and who you are.

(PS, I'm not sure how well those sentences fit together, as one uses 'we', and the seconds uses 'you'. But I'm really thinking my time for bed is coming closer, and I'd rather not spend time fixing it. Just so you all know that I realize the oddness of those two sentences together.)

Maybe we wanted to see how we both reacted to each others' stories and thoughts. To see if there were any issues before we really got involved. I'm not actually super sold on that idea, but it's occurred to me. I know I definitely laid out some emotional baggage I was carrying, when I probably didn't really need to.

Anyways, I find the whole process kind of interesting, because it's not like any other situation, where you gradually get to know somebody, until eventually you're really close, and you can't really say how it happened. It's like all that happened in about a week.

As a second reflection, knowing each other for so long and being comfortable with each other probably really helped. Look back, I can't really recall feeling overly uncomfortable with telling him anything. I just talked, without worrying about what he would think about it.

Getting to know somebody in one easy step: talk.

To be fair, that's my solution for most problems. But that's for another time.

Anyways, as a general life update, school is getting really busy, which means I'm also starting to just ignore everything I have to do, because if I think about it, that puts me in a very not good mood. I'm a little bit worried for April. But also excited for it all to be over. I foresee the usual emotional roller coaster that comes with being busy, so that should be yet another fun ride. For me, and everybody around me. I feel like I should apologize in advance.

~Calminaiel~

"Vol. 1: Bat-Greg is distressed."

Random Time

2010-03-12T23:41:00.003-07:00

It's time for another blog in which I don't actually have anything in particular to talk about, but I feel it's time you guys deserve an update. So here's another post dedicated to all (or rather, most) of the thoughts I've had over the last two weeks or so.

I have a feeling this love/hate relationship that I have with Mia (my bassoon) and music in general is going to take a turn for the better sometime soon. Maybe not by the end of semester, unfortunately. But I have a feeling it's coming. Which I am really looking forward to. Ever since I got super busy around November I have not had many good conversations with Mia. Well, that's not entirely true. We did have a good chat about the Mozart symphony which the university orchestra did. And it's not as if we've had our backs turned to each other all these months. But, you know that friend you have, which you both don't have time to just sit down and have a good chat, but you actually see each other quite a bit while hanging out with a bunch of other friends? That was me and Mia for the past little while. I'm hoping to fix that sometime.

I've also decided I really like writing. And stories. Oh, the stories. It's just little things I've found. This blog has definitely always been around, even when I try to pretend it's not. I wrote Ken a poem on his iTouch on the way to orchestra once. I didn't think it was extremely well written, but Ken thought for it being written in the car within about 20 minutes, it wasn't too bad. And I've also been making up stories a lot lately. To be fair, I've always made up stories, but I've kept them to myself. Lately I've started telling them to Ken. Whether this is because I trust him with my stories or I just want to convince him of how ridiculous I am, I haven't found out yet. But he seems to like them, which is nice. I also found an old story poem me and Kelsk wrote in high school for our English class. I really liked it, and found that I still like it when I reread it as I was cleaning my room. For some reason I decided to read it to Ken. I felt ridiculous the entire time, but again, he seemed to like it. Or at least, that's what he said. I couldn't bring myself to look at him the whole time I was reading. Like I said, I'm ridiculous.

Apparently Ken's brother, Dustin, read my last post, which was nice of him. I like it when I find out other people who read. He thanked me last time for mentioning him. Well, I'm mentioning him again. And probably will be mentioning him more in the future, as I've decided to unofficially adopt him as my older brother. Since I never had one.

To be fair, I like all of Ken's family. I find them very exciting. Maybe that's just because there seems to be a different combination of them every time I go to his house. Or maybe just because it seems like there's so many of them. Besides his parents, he has two brothers, two sister-in-laws, a niece, a nephew, and another niece/nephew on the way. I've got a younger brother. And an uncle who won't go away.

But again, to be fair, me and my brother have some pretty good times together. And we completely understand each other's humor. As in, so much better than anybody else I have ever encountered ever. That's pretty impossible to replace. And I don't think I would even if I could. We've come a long way to be here together. Including him biting me when he was teething, me shouting at him when I was going through break-ups, and both of us generally pissing the other one off when we were both going through our moody teenage years. You can't buy that kind of bondage.

My art project I started before Christmas is still sitting beside the couch. I still want to finish it, and then eventually do what I originally intended to do with it. Hopefully that will happen over the summer.

I've got high hopes for this summer. It feels like it's going to be a good one. Not that I've ever had a feeling that I'm going to have a bad summer. But this one is feeling particularly good. I'm looking forward to it.

Speaking of having a good summer, I'm most definitely going to MusiCamp Alberta 2010 as a Supe. I'm so excited.

Alright, enough of that. I'm sorta kinda thinking of going on Wow for a bit before bed. I've been avoiding it for the past while because I stopped playing for a few weeks, and now I'm afraid I've forgotten how to do it, and I won't be any good at it. And I seem to have gotten in this weird habit of going to bed before 2 am. Where did this come from?

~Calminaiel~

"We lost Uncle Ken to a gecko."

Classes and Concerts

2010-02-27T23:20:00.002-07:00

I need to stop titling my posts with written incoherent sounds. Such as ugh, blah, meh...etc. Lately it seems like that's all I can come up with, and I really should get out of that habit.

So, update. I still don't have an accompanist, because I still don't know the date of my jury. Thanks, music office. Although I think I should call the guy Nicole has, he sounds not bad...and by that, I mostly mean she says he's pretty good, and nice, and he should be free for juries.

I also dropped Greek. I was a little behind, and I wasn't putting time into it, because I didn't have extra time to put into it, and when music life gets stressful, that's the first thing I leave out of life. Oh well, I've always said if I need to take a semester or two to finish up some options, I'll be okay with that. I'd rather that than spend the next two and a half years ready to explode because I have no time for anything.

As a quick side note, I have homework I really need to get done, but every time I have time to do it, I'd rather spend it doing other things. Such as blogging.

The Tchaik 5, CYO/CPO concert was tonight. It went really well. Very breathtaking symphony, especially by the time it gets to the end. I also hear, very clearly, Shostakovitch's Festive Overture at the end. Anyways, it went quite well, and it was a lot of fun. The audience enjoyed themselves. Or at least I assume, by the way they all stood up at the end.

Now, here's a great story.

Afterward, me and Ken headed back up to the lobby, since I wasn't sure if my parents had left, leaving Ken my only ride anywhere, or if I was going home, or doing something with Ken...I didn't know anything, basically. And Ken was going to meet his grandma, who was apparently going home that night.

So I talk with his family for a bit, and then my parents come up to me, proving that they didn't leave. I talk with my parents, and talk to Heather a little about a work issue. Then, for some reason unknown to me, I figured my parents and Ken's family should be introduced.

We do that, and some silly jokes are tossed around on Dad's part, and Ken's family chuckled, whether because they found him amusing or insane, I really don't know.

Our families are both ready to go their separate ways, but me and Ken still aren't entirely sure about what we're doing. So we stand there, sort of ready to drift away from each other, while I'm tentatively suggesting I just go home with my parents, while thinking that I'd really rather hang out with him for the night, because it would be nice to hang out on a night when neither of us have to get up in the morning, but I know he wants to go home and just spend time with his family, but I'm silly and don't really like to accept that I'm not going to get what I want until forced to.

When he suggested that he could drive me home, that was the forcing point of acceptance, and I said that was ridiculous when my parents were right here and they were going home.

After that ridiculously long moment of awkward not-wanting-to-say-what-we're-really-thinking-out-loud, we almost go our separate ways, until we both sort of realize we should say a nice goodbye and not a horrendously awkward one. So he comes over and hugs me, and we kiss while my parents are standing on either side of us, and his family's watching through the doors.

To be honest, I wasn't all that embarrassed about the witnessing families. Well, maybe my dad, cause he was standing about a foot and a half away from us. But his brother giving us a long 'awe' didn't bother me that much. It was more the residue of that awkward moment that refused to completely go away.

I hate being awkward. That had to be the longest most awkward moment I have allowed to endure in a long time. Usually I'm pretty good about either avoiding awkwardness entirely, or just laughing it off, and thus finding it no longer as awkward. But this was insane.

So, I'm left sitting at home, with nothing much to do, knowing that I'm going to see Ken tomorrow, but also knowing that it probably won't be nearly as early in the day as I want it to be, and basically trying to think of ways to waste time until that moment comes tomorrow. Oh, all the while thinking about how I want to be hanging out with him at this very moment.

Sounds like I'm in for a fun night.

~Calminaiel~

"I am free to come for family lunch tomorrow, but it'll cost you extra."

Vancouver 2010

2010-02-15T22:20:00.002-07:00

Okay.

First of all, these past few weeks have been stupidly busy with midterms and such, so I haven't stayed in great contact with my accompanist, which apparently shows that I'm not committed, so she didn't put aside time to practice my piece, and she's entirely booked up for March and most of April anyways, so now I'm left feeling like an idiot, and lacking an accompanist.

Just had to get that out of the way, and now that it is, I shall move on.

Speaking of being busy, and yet not getting anything done, that's pretty much the position I'm still in. But this time, it's cause the Olympics are very distracting. Especially since Ken showed me the Vancouver 2010 website, that has live updates of scores and ranks, so I can keep track of those things as I watch the events. Very helpful.

Anyways, something that comes up with the Olympics that comes up every time they happen, is the insane hype about medals. Yes, medals are wonderful, and yes, they give us a huge reason to be proud of our country, and yes, our athletes should always strive for the podium.

But please tell me...should we be dissing, and putting down our country and our athletes simply because they don't make it to the podium?

It seems there are always those people who will put down our athletes, say they weren't trying hard enough, saying they're making stupid mistakes, just because they don't make it into the top three. And I've already seen Facebook statuses stating "Canada sucks" when we didn't do particularly well in an event.

It's the later statement that really gets to me. Honestly, if you need Canada to have medals in order to be proud of it, I really don't want anything to do with you.

As for the athletes, I'm always proud of our athletes, and that they're at the Olympics in the first place. It takes a lot of hard work to get there, and they don't just randomly pick people to compete in the Olympics.

I think the Olympics is an amazing event. What other event brings together the entire world to compete, watch, cheer, and experience together? I'm always amazed when I think of how many countries are involved, and how many people from all those countries are either coming to Vancouver to see the games, or even watching them from home. That's a lot of people, from a lot of different places.

I'm incredibly proud of Canada, and all our athletes who make it to the Olympics. Sure, sometimes some of them do make stupid mistakes that cost them a rank. Don't we all regularly make stupid mistakes? Haven't we all caved under pressure every now and then, in some form or another? I'm not about to bad mouth our athletes because they're human.

And I'm proud of the other countries and athletes that come out to compete with us. I was proud of the Chinese figure skaters who won China's first gold medal in figure skating. I loved the shot on TV of the Japanese family in the crowd watching speed skating, waving a Japan flag and cheering on their athletes, just like the Canadian family was doing in the rows behind them.

It all makes me think that maybe the Olympics have become, or maybe always were, about so much more than just winning medals. Maybe it's about showing each other that despite the fact that we come from different places, that we look different, and talk different, wear different clothing, and eat different foods...despite all this...

We all want to do our best and show everyone else what we have to offer. We want to cheer, laugh, and celebrate. We all wear our colors proudly to any event. We all just like to have a little fun.

Maybe this is about showing each other that we're all very much the same.

~Calminaiel~

"Death spiral? Shouldn't there be spikes, and fire? And they should throw a starved tiger on the ice!"

Just Sayin'

2010-02-05T14:22:00.001-07:00

Apparently I'm okay with eating ice cream and crying for an undefined period of time, because it is now the next day and I have done absolutely nothing that I meant to do.

I know, I'm pro.

~Calminaiel~

"That's oddly logical."

Blah Time

2010-02-04T22:37:00.003-07:00

It's that really sucky time where midterms are coming up, and I'm running out of time to get anything done. Which results in really unpleasant mood swings. I apologize to all who may be affected by this. I don't enjoy it. But it should only last for a week, maybe two. At least, hopefully no longer than that. I don't think I could do wild mood swings for longer than that.

Anyways, tonight I actually have to get stuff done, or I will officially be so behind that I may just decide to give up, which will result in an even more wild mood swing, as at that point I will be forced to re-evaluate my whole life (not that I haven't done a little bit of that before) and I may also be tempted to do nothing but eat ice cream and cry, which is not good for both my physique (which isn't great to begin with) and my hydration levels (crying all the time takes a lot out of you).

I'll give you a moment to realize how long that sentence really is, and possibly to figure out some grammatical problems that I'm sure are in there.

Done? Wonderful.

So you see why tonight is the night in which I really have to get at least some stuff done. I'm not asking to get completely caught up, but hopefully I'll at least be able to finish all the stuff I was supposed to finish last Monday.

However, my productivity levels do seem to go up slightly once the rest of my family is in bed. Quite inconvenient in term of getting enough sleep at night, but that's how it is. I just keep telling myself that I've survived similar situations before, so I can do it again.

But this time, I have ice cream in the freezer, which should keep the optimism relatively high.

I may have said this before, but I am constantly being amazed at the extent to which I can procrastinate.

Oh well. Time for more peanut butter, some ice cream, waiting until Dad goes to bed, and then getting stuff done.

~Calminaiel~

"So, Matt was riding ass down a hill."

Series of Events (and Thoughts)

2010-01-26T21:51:00.002-07:00

This narrative directly from my mind happened at 6:45. I had just gotten out of the shower, and was in my room:

---

Hm, I like showers. Feeling clean is always good. Ooh, I still have that set of brushes I was given...sometime...a while ago...from somebody...anyways, I should see if my hair's getting long enough to use any of them...

*cell phone buzzes*

(excited) Oh, text from Ken?...No, call from Rachel Flatts, probably to give me another clinic...but my schedule's in the kitchen and I'm wearing...oh right, nothing. I'll just slip on my housecoat...which is also in the kitchen because Mom washed it today. Damn. (trying think quickly while phone continues to ring) I could let her leave a message and call her back...but I have my towel, and only my Dad is home...the most he'd see is a bit of leg...as long as I can actually wrap my towel around myself properly...okay, just get it.

*answers cell phone*

"Hello?"

"Hi, can I speak to Robyn?"

(trying to wrap towel around herself without dropping cell phone) "Speaking."

"Hi Robyn, it's Rachel, I was wondering if you could do a clinic on February 5th?"

"Hold on, let me just go get my day timer..."

---

It just so happened that my towel was in fact covering just barely past my waist, but nobody was actually in the kitchen or living room when I went out, so it was all okay. This all has very little purpose, but I just found the situation and my accompanying thoughts amusing.

~Calminaiel~

"I generally don't like squishy things."

A Clean Slate (Not)

2010-01-17T22:48:00.002-07:00

Thanks to a lovely post from Mr. Lady, a blogger who's writing I absolutely love, I have decided to keep going with this blog. It's been with me through a lot, and I know I'm not always completely loyal (see: last few months) but somehow or other I always find myself coming back to it.

This next little bit is for my family. We recently went through a tough time because my grandparent decided to sell their place, and go find the endless adventures waiting for them. Good for them, I know, and we're all proud of them.

Now, this may not seem like it should cause such a tough time, as I'm making out. But if you're thinking that right now, it shows that you don't know that house. You don't know that place. And you don't know my family.

My grandparents, with the help of their kids (my dad, aunts, and uncles) built that house. That it itself makes it very special, especially for my dad's side of the family.

This house sat on the edge of a small cliff, looking over the river. During the day, we'd moo to the cows on the other side, and during the night, we'd howl to the coyotes. Grandpa always took care of the fields, and more than once we got to see a deer, or moose walking through them.

A trip to the farm was always a cause for excitement. The farm seemed to offer an escape from everyday life. School, work, stress...it all seemed to disappear at the farm.

I'm sure everybody has a special place like this. Where only good memories exist. Think of your special place, and you'll know what the farm was like for us.

The fact that my grandparents were selling the place hit everybody a little differently. I think the grandchildren were hit the hardest. That was grandma and grandpa's place. How could it be any other way?

I'm proud to say I was very strong through the whole thing. I talked about how awesome and fun this will be for grandma and grandpa. I agreed with all their reasons for selling and moving. I didn't get to go help them move out, but I happily looked the pictures and laughed at the more ridiculous ones.

But here's my secret: On my very last visit to the farm, I got up in the night, very quietly. I went to the sun kitchen and looked at the trees, and smelled the summer air, warm even in the middle of the night. I looked out the window to the bird feeder that grandma dutifully filled for the birds. And I cried. I cried because this place was our place. We were the ones who had filled it with life, with laughter, and with love. This place didn't belong to anybody else. It couldn't belong to anybody else. Nobody else would ever be able to love this place like we have.

That was my own, private goodbye to the farm. I was fine in the morning, I was fine when we were leaving. I had said my goodbye, just like everybody else.

But last night, Ken took me out of the city, in between all the little towns of Chestemere and Langdon. Out to a spot on the highway where there were no houses and no street lights. Only the occasional car. And he stopped the car, and we got out. And I looked up.

I almost lost it right there, because the stars looked exactly like they always had the farm, with no light to scare them away. And I suddenly missed it all over again, and starting wishing I had gone up there more often, if for nothing more than to just lay in the field to watch the stars.

I thought I'd done very well in saying goodbye to the farm.

But now I realize that maybe, in little bits and pieces, saying goodbye will take a lot longer than I thought.

~Calminaiel~

Boo

2010-01-08T17:09:00.002-07:00

So, if you hadn't noticed, I'm apparently a little bored with this blog. I love this blog, and I know I've put a lot into it, but I still feel a little bored with it.

Now, the problem is that I still want another way to...I don't know, express myself, tell my story...show the world my crazy life...something like that. I still want a way to do that...and I can't think of how.

I'd love to get into the webcomic scene...but I can't draw.

Video blogging has occurred to me. That one's still posted on the drawing board.

In general, other ways of writing, other styles of blogging have occurred to me, all on the drawing board.

But I'm still undecided.

Opinions, ideas?

~Calminaiel~

Go Me

2009-09-12T22:22:00.002-06:00

Wow. I just think I did more work on school by myself than I have ever done without having a huge project or essay due the next day. It's currently almost 10:30, and I've almost constantly been working on school since 6:30. I wrote my Greek vocab on flashcards and went over them a few times, then reread by Greek text in Greek, and translated it into English again for practice. I read all the pages of the textbook for music history that are "assigned" for this week, and copied out all the vocab that came up in said text, and listened to the 2 out of 3 songs assigned to this week that I have. I'll listen to the third when I get the CD from the library, probably on Monday.

And I've also had daily solid practice sections. So far, I'm doing pretty well in this whole 'keeping up with school' idea.

Technically I should do some Greek exercises from the book, but I think I'm done with school for now. I had a pretty good work section, I think I deserve a break.

The first week of school has been pretty good. All my new profs seem really nice, and all the old ones don't seem to have change much. I found out DeLong also went to Austria over the summer, so we had a good little chat in class about all the same places we went to. The difference is he probably appreciated some of those places a little more than I did, but being several years older than me and more experienced in the field of musical knowledge, that's probably to be expected. Oh, and he probably hadn't been going on walking tours all day and just wanted to go for lunch.

Greek is turning out to be a pretty good class, although our prof does like to go on about how much work we have to put into it. I'm not letting myself worry about this right now. I'll start worrying about it when I have to, but for now I'm just going to pay attention and do my work and see where that gets me. But most of the rest of the class are all Greek and Roman students, which was a little intimidating at first.

However, my Greek prof is also amazing. Her first language is Spanish, she also speaks English, and German, and teaches Latin as well as Greek. She amazes me every time she compares all these different languages. It also makes me want to take Latin, but she says that takes even more work than Greek, so we'll see how Greek goes before we start thinking about Latin. Plus, I'm already planning to take German next year.

The reed that I'm using currently isn't perfect. I didn't think it was that bad when I was sitting in a little room by myself practicing. But I got into a hall this morning with youth orchestra, and found out that it definitely is neither a large hall reed, nor a large ensemble reed. So I shall have to do something about that soon. I'll start working on more reeds on Tuesday. That is my designated hardcore working on reeds day.

But as for right now, I'm sitting at Ryan's house, while Ryan, Corey and Bennet play Wow. That is how I've got all this work done, by the way. Plus, I've been telling myself for the past few days that while they're playing Wow, I am going to get work done. And I did! I'm so proud of myself.

I was hoping to have some down time myself, with Puzzle Pirates, after I was done my work. But it sounds like the boys are done their things on Wow, which means I don't think I'll be able to join them with my own game, even if it is different than theirs. Oh well. It was a productive night, which is more than I can say for a lot of the other nights in my life.

But they have mentioned food, which I am definitely in for. I love food.

I'm also tired after doing all that work. I'm not quite sure whether I'm physically tired or just mentally tired...probably a little bit of both.

Anyways, before I start rambling random statements, I shall go and maybe fit in some mindless little flash games before we all get off the computers and go eat. That'll be nice.

~Calminaiel~

"Don't you just love getting up at 8 in the morning to go to orchestra? I think that's my favorite thing in the whole world."

Edmonton Weekend

2009-09-01T20:26:00.002-06:00

I went to Edmonton last weekend. Melda was having a birthday / graduation party. It was a lot of fun. I got to meet a lot of her friends, see how big my younger cousins are getting, and show the boy my grandparents' new car. He was pretty impressed, which made me happy, seeing as he usually views Lexus as just a done up Toyota. He may be right, but it still bugs me whenever I point out a nice Lexus, and he replies with that very line.

But anyways. I'm happy to say I only really got lost once, and even then it was only because I missed a turnoff and it took a while to find A) another convenient turnoff and B) our way back to where we were going. I'll admit, I got a little frustrated, because I don't like it when roads don't lead me where I want them to, which was starting to happen. Nevertheless (Niechdestotrotz), we got where we were going. I'm not counting the time we couldn't find the Great Canadian Bagel, because that wasn't cause we were lost, it was because the place wasn't where we thought it was. We knew exactly where we were the whole time.

I'm going to get my unpleasant thought of the evening out so maybe I can stop thinking about it: I was planning to use the rest of the week to clean my room, but then I remembered that I have to be practicing for university ensemble auditions, and I also have a dentist appointment tomorrow, and I plan to be out tomorrow and Thursday night. I know that may not sound like I have a lot to do, but it does to me, and it bugs me that I'm already feeling busy before classes are even starting.

It doesn't help that today was deathly hot. And for some reason I brought a fleece coat to work. Silly me. Just because I leave the house at 7:30 does not mean the day is going to be cold.

Work was alright, besides having to tell first years to keep their feet off the seats in front of them, and trying to do crowd control to keep people off the stage. Not that they listen to me, and then the stage manager yells at me. Well, not exactly yells, but she wasn't happy. But I'm pretty sure she was more not happy at the kids not listening to me, because at the end of the shift she was talking about just how she could see people ignoring me, and thanked me for trying. So that was alright.

I also got paid this afternoon for eating food, and playing in the drum circle, which was pretty fun. I might consider going to the drum circle more often this year. It's a nice mental release. Just hitting a drum in rhythm with a bunch of other people...making a different kind of music without having to think about it quite as much. Just getting a rhythm going and sticking with it. It was fun.

I also got a recent copy of the student newspaper, and found an article of 52 things you should do before you graduate. I'm thinking of keeping that and just checking things off, just for fun. Some of them I've already done, and some of them I really do agree that I should try. I'll copy them all down here sometime, marking which ones I've already done, but not now. I'll save that for a slower news day, when I'm really desperate for some blogging materiel.

Oh, and when I got into my car after it sitting in the sun for six hours while I was working, I literally thought I was going to die.

And the downside of having a nicely furnished, warm, inviting living room (and kitchen) is that your uncle tends to hang around upstairs more rather than doing other things that would usually take him away from you. Which means I'm spending more time in my room reading, because Mom likes it when I don't bi-....talk...about him, and it's much easier to do that when I don't spend time around him. So this is all for the better. I guess.

Revelation: I'm not actually as popular as I sometimes fool myself into thinking I am, and I should really get used to that fact.

I got an email from my Greek prof about some things we're going to cover in the first class. I immediately freaked out about that class. But that's just how I do things.

*farewell signoff message here*
(I still don't have any ideas for this. Suggestions?)

~Calminaiel~

"Okay, Robyn. Shut up."
"You see? Thank you."

The Lion King

2009-08-25T21:27:00.002-06:00

Yes, I definitely went to see the Lion King. It was very much amazing. So amazing that after it was over, I didn't even want to talk about it, because I was still going over everything in my mind.

I could definitely go see it again. It was so hard to try to concentrate on the actual show when you're being bombarded by all those amazing costumes.

Anyways, I've got most of my preparations for another school year finished. I should probably go out and buy myself a couple dozen more pencils...but I've got my classes organized, I've emailed my teacher to settle lesson times, I'm still looking for an accompanist, I've rented a locker (a big one, I'm pretty sure), I've bought my textbooks and given my old textbooks to Bound and Copied to be sold. So I'm feeling pretty good.

And Mia is on her way back, with a new seat strap and hand rest. Now all that's left is to make more reeds for the coming year.

Now I think I'll turn to the dreaded goals. I'm generally not a fan of making specific goals. I've tried to make them in the past, and I always feel really bad when I can't complete them as perfectly as I wanted to.

So I'm going to make a deal with myself. I'm going to list these...goals, for lack of a better term...that I want to keep in mind for this school year. I'm not going to beat myself up if I can't go through with them perfectly, and I'm going to keep in mind that even making a little progress, even if imperfect, is better than making absolutely no progress because of being too afraid of failure.

Clear as mud? Good.

File, save.

So, here are things and ideas that I want to keep in mind for the coming year.

Blogging, in more quantity and quality. I don't think I blog nearly enough, and when I do, it's usually not about much. I hope to fix that at least a little.

Try to cut back on the procrastinating. I know I say this every year and I'm going to say it again this year. Of course, the fact that I can get 80% on a paper when I do it the day / day before it's due doesn't exactly encourage me to change my style, but even so. I'm going to put in the effort.

Practice more. Again, I say this every year too. But I really do need to spend more time in the practice room. I do like practicing...it just seems like the process to get to the point where one can begin practicing takes a lot of time and effort. So, enough of using that as an excuse, because it's a lame one.

Make more reeds. I'd like to be able to have a few working reeds, rather than using one until it's literally ruining my sound, then work furiously on a new one, use that until it ruins my sound, work furiously on a new one...etc. I've tried setting aside time in my practice to work on reeds, but either I practice first and then am too tired and frustrated to work on reeds, or I work on reeds first, which makes me too tired and frustrated to practice. So I'm thinking of splitting them up. Maybe designating a certain day of the week to be my reed working day. Then I can fully concentrate on my playing for the rest of the week, and then put all my attention on reeds that one day. Obviously I'll still work on reeds other days if the occasion calls, but still. I'll see how this method works out for me.

Put more effort into my non music courses. I really need to stop thinking that they're like options in high school and I can just screw around. I still need those electives for my degree, so they really do matter. And believe it or not, they do affect my GPA, which I've heard it's nice to have higher rather than lower.

I don't dare make any more, because then I'll be overloaded with goals, and won't be able to do anything with any of them and...well, then we go back into the whole despair and failure issue, and I'm just not going back there.

And of course I'll always try to remain optimistic, but I know that school will get to me, and there will be days that will make me wonder if a degree is really as necessary as I think, and whether I can just live my days happily as an usher, or a waitress, and never have to study again. But we'll deal with those days when we get there.

But I think that's it for me. I keep wondering if I should have a special sign off saying for the end of my blogs. Any thoughts? Suggestions?

And the effort put into that last poll was quite disappointing. Four votes? That's almost enough to make me stop doing them. Maybe I'll just have fish, like my brother's blog...

~Calminaiel~

"I freaked out. 2of3 freaked out. 3of3 said "Yay! I get band aids!""

Back from Tour!

2009-08-21T19:53:00.002-06:00

Actually I cam back a few days ago, but seriously, who likes to blog too soon after a 12 hour travel day?

Not I.

I'm currently sitting on the front lawn, since the house is way too hot and uncomfortable. Champ's with me. Just chillin'. I kind of feel bad about flattening the grass I'm sitting on...kinda. But it's grass, it'll live.

The setting sun just came out of a bunch of clouds. Which is kinda pretty, but also quite bright.

Anyways, tour was lots of fun. Relatively little drama, which was very awesome.

The concerts were...concerts. It kinda sucks that I didn't really feel particularly passionate towards any of our music...I certainly liked a good part of our music...but I didn't really love it so much that I felt a rush whenever we performed it. So instead of coming out of concerts feeling exhilarated, I just came out of them thinking that there's another concert done.

Not that they were bad, most of them went quite well. I felt quite out of tune for most of them, except the one outdoor performance we did in the park. But it was still pretty fun.

Speaking of being out of tune, I really need to make some reeds before classes start again. And do a hundred other things that I'm procrastinating. Looks like I'm not breaking that habit anytime soon.

I'm sorry I can't put any pictures from Europe up. I lost my camera on the first day. But after being up for 24 hours and then having to go on walking tours, I guess I really shouldn't be surprised.

I also lost my seat strap and hand rest for my bassoon, which I also need to buy again before classes and rehearsals start.

But right now it's a pretty evening, the air is cool (at least, outside of the house) and it's Friday, so I'm content to forget everything I have to get done for now. It can wait for Monday.

However, my feet are going to sleep. I keep having to shift position. I don't think there is a convenient position for typing when you're sitting on the ground.

I'm going out tonight, to a Micheal Jackson tribute concert, done by a group that my friend is in. I was never really a Micheal Jackson person, but it should still be fun.

~Calminaiel~

"So, I found out why I keep finding a string in my hole."

Camping Again

2009-08-03T23:15:00.004-06:00

Yup, I went camping again. To Windemere lake in BC. With Erika, Sarah, and Emily. It was pretty awesome. =)

That lake is gorgeous. It wasn't super cold, so it was wonderful to swim in. The beach we were on was really rocky, which was great because we didn't have to deal with mud, or water weeds or anything.

It was a very good weekend, besides the fact that it was sometimes so hot that all of us just felt like doing nothing.

I'm also wondering if the fact that we went canoeing and I rowed for half the trip is why that muscle between my neck and my shoulder hurts so much. Hm.

I can't believe I leave for Europe on Thursday. I have two days to get so much stuff done! Well, not so much stuff...but that fact that it's only two days until I leave makes it feel like I don't have much time to get anything done.

I'm feeling really excited, and yet also a little bit nervous, and I can't figure out why. I think part of it might be because Mom keeps going over things like I'm leaving tomorrow, and it's making me feel like I have even less time until I leave, and also like I'm not going to see her before I leave. Which for some reason makes me nervous, apparently.

Oh well. As long as I keep my wits about me, I should be fine.

I also realized that this morning was basically my last chance to sleep in for the next two weeks. I highly doubt we'll be sleeping in much during tour.

Anyways, I had a really fun time at work tonight. We played poker, and bet with smarties. And we actually played a type of poker in which I actually felt like I knew what I was doing. Which was a nice change.

I was told to make a list of things I need to do over the next few days, so I won't forget. But lists also tend to make me nervous, because having everything laid out in front of me always makes it seem like there's more to do than when it was just in my head. So I think I'll skip that for now.

Anyways, I have to be up early tomorrow for rehearsal, and I desperately need to shower, because I'm kinda gross at the moment. I don't really like showering when everybody's in bed, because although Mom and Dad say they don't notice, and it's fine, I still don't like feeling like I'm making a lot of noise when everybody is in bed. So I'll get up a little earlier to do it tomorrow. I'm slightly doubtful whether I'll actually want to get up early, but at the same time, I have the motivation of the knowledge that I'm really gross and a shower will fix that. It's also not too late now, so I think I'm going to go get ready for bed now, and hopefully be in bed early enough that getting up a little earlier tomorrow won't be that much of an issue.

~Calminaiel~

"We don't accept Glosettes here."

(PS: New poll, in case you haven't noticed. Check it out.)

Nutella Tales

2009-07-30T00:30:00.002-06:00

I'm currently sitting with Riana and Emily, eating Nutella with a spoon, and...well, just generally doing nothing.

Emily's saying something about mustard. And happiness.

We're all scrambling for the Nutella. It's good stuff.

So, we're originally here for SYTYCD. So You Think You Can Dance, for the uneducated, and uncultured.

Or rather, for those who actually have something better to do with their time than watch silly reality TV shows. Unfortunately, we do not fall under that category. Deal with it, we're proud of it.

*Nutella break*

For those who think eating condiments with a spoon is silly, it's definitely not weird. And we're really only doing it because A) Nutella's freaking awesome, and B) we couldn't find the lid for it. So really, this is the only reasonable solution.

In other news, I finally have the car back. We're listening to jazz. Emily has an iGEM blog. And Riana keeps forgetting what iGEM stands for.

And I also think nights of sitting around the table eating condiments from spoons are very important, bonding experiences. I wish they were more common.

Add that to my to do list.

Copy, paste, save.

I'm also broke and racking up my credit card because I'm broke. Wonderful.

But hopefully that will be paid off soon in the fall, when I'm getting shifts again, and hopefully working another job. So it's all good.

I love people, and hanging out with people, and just chatting. Good times.

~Calminaiel~

"The stage is your bowl. Eat from it."

Harry Potter 6!

2009-07-23T16:59:00.002-06:00

~Warning: May contain spoilers~

A bunch of us went to see the new Harry Potter movie yesterday, and it is amazing! We were all definitely on a Harry Potter high for the rest of the night.

I don't even know what to say about it. It was very excellently done. There were a few scenes from the book that weren't included, which I was excited to see and then slightly disappointed to find they weren't there, but even so.

Okay, here is where the spoilers will really start, so if you till continued reading despite the warning, if you really don't want spoilers, you should actually stop now.

One worry of mine going into the movie was Dumbledore. I have to admit, I'm not a fan of the recent Dumbledore actor. I like the one from the first two movies, but this one...I don't know. To me, he seems a bit too...eccentric to really be Dumbledore. I'm not completely sure how else to explain it.

However, Dumbledore proved to be quite good in this movie. Which was very relieving, because I was very afraid that if I didn't like him, I wouldn't be sad when he died, and basically the whole point of this part of the Harry Potter story is to be sad about Dumbledore dying.

I was a bit disappointed with the Snape / Bellatrix / Narcissa scene. To me, this is supposed to be a scene that really makes you question which side Snape was on, and I didn't get that feeling from the movie. In fact, I almost got the feeling that he was hesitant to promise Narcissa that he would help Draco with what Voldemort ordered him to do. Which isn't supposed to happen, because Snape is supposed to be an expert at playing his part.

I also wanted to see the memory about Marvolo and his family, because they sound like pretty messed up people, and I really wanted to see how they'd be visualized in the movie. But that scene was left out, which was a little sad, but I can see why it was left out.

They also felt out a lot of the drama that goes on which works really well in book form, but totally wouldn't work out in movie form. Like a lot of the drama concerning Ron being the new Keeper, and the whole argument that comes from Harry pretending to use the Felix potion.

Of course, I could have done with more Harry-Ginny action, but I'm a big fan of the Harry-Ginny part, so that's just me, and I can totally see why they left out a lot of it. I did like the little part they did put in. I thought it was really cute.

They also added a scene where Death Eaters come to the Burrow, and the end result is the house being burned down, which does not happen in the book. It wasn't a bad scene at all, but at the same time, it seemed to have little point, and I kinda wondered why it was put in. Graham thinks it was just to emphasize that Voldemort and his followers really are rising, and suddenly all the places that Harry always considered safe, such as school and the Burrow, are suddenly not so safe anymore. Which makes sense.

Anyways, the movie was fabulous. Lots of suspense, and even though I've read all the books and knew everything that's going to happen, I was still kept at the edge of my seat for almost the whole movie.

It was also very hilarious at parts. Here are some of my favorites:

"I'm going to Hagrid's. I just feel like Hagrid's is the place to be tonight, you know?"
"No."

"She only likes you because you're the chosen one."
"But I am the Chosen One!"

"How much is this?"
"Five Galleons."
"How much for me?"
"Five Galleons."
"But I'm your brother!"
"Ten Galleons."

"Well, the thing about Unbreakable Vows...well, you can't break them."
"Thanks, I think I figured that much out."

~Calminaiel~

"I think the eyes get to people most."
"And the pincers."

Installing Love

2009-07-04T00:53:00.002-06:00

I didn't write this, but it's definitely my kind of style, and I think it's awesome. I took this from a friend's facebook note. Enjoy. =)

---

Tech Support: Hello... how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?

Customer: Let’s see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, “Error - Program not run on external components.” What should I do?

Tech Support: Don’t worry. It means that the Love program is setup to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the “My Heart” directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

~Calminaiel~

"I swear, I only threw the ice pick out of the window because you didn't have any bunnies at the time! How was I supposed to know you had just put down a bunny?"

Registering Frustration

2009-07-01T15:23:00.002-06:00

I registered for classes yesterday. Which was kind of a pain. It was kind of confusing in the beginning, and I was still trying to figure out what I should be taking in my second year and all that...and then I found out that one of my classes that I was positive was required was already closed because it was full.

So, naturally, I panicked, and ended up getting in the car and driving to the university to speak with somebody at the FASST office. (Fine Arts Student Success Team). Julia was excellent there. I introduced myself and said that I'd like to talk about classes for next year, and she immediately brought out my file, printed out my transcript, brought out a sheet with all my requirement for my degree, and began crossing things off that I've already done, and marking what else I need to do.

Anyways, after we had a good talk I proceeded to go home and register for everything she told me to. Which was quite painless, except I still had that problem about the class being full. Julia told me to email the prof and ask them to overload me into the class. I did so, and I'm still waiting to hear back from them.

I also discovered that I can't have lessons when Francesca wants to have them, because she wants to have them between 9 and 12 Mondays and Wednesdays, and I have classes between 9 and 12 on both Mondays and Wednesdays. So I emailed her too, and I'm still waiting to hear back from her.

On another note: I'm taking Greek as an option. According to the class description, it will be teaching how to read classical and New Testament Greek texts. Which I think will be pretty cool. It took me so much time to find an option that I was both interested in, and fit in my schedule.

My first preference was a German class, but nothing fit between my other classes. So I tried Russian, but, that I could see, the university doesn't have a Russian language class. Well, they kind of do, but it's mixed in with Russian history, and culture, and I really just wanted the language. I considered Religious studies for a while, but decided to reserve that for if I couldn't find anything else. I also spotted Slavic, which I considered, but then I came upon Greek, which looked pretty good.

So that's the story. Oh, and on my little sheet for what I need to get my degree, I saw that for my fourth year I basically need to take a handful of ensembles, lessons, and 5 other elective classes. Which I think is kind of amusing, but I guess it makes sense if I'm in performance. I have no idea what I'll take, but we'll think more about that later, I guess.

Did any of you notice that I seem to alternate between calling non-required classes 'options' and 'electives'? It's hard to get out of the high school habit, I guess.

In other news, I'm currently sitting at home while Graham films a music video with his friends, so I'm pretty much just staying out of their way. It's kinda boring. I'm considering putting some calls/texts to people to see what they're up to but...well, I'm still just considering it.

Happy Canada Day! =)

~Calminaiel~

"Have you updated that thing yet? You've been saying that you have to for the past few months."

'Tis a silly place

2009-06-29T17:26:00.003-06:00

I've been quiet for the past little while, having nothing really to say other than how it's summer, and I'm being almost entirely unproductive.

Therefore, I give you another silly post about Harry Potter.

For those unaware, there is a Harry Potter Musical, done by a bunch of people and posted on YouTube. I have yet to watch it, but it is definitely something I'm planning on doing. I've heard it's very funny, and a couple of my die-hard Harry Potter fans have told me that what makes it funny is it's a parody that's done by actual Harry Potter fans, as opposed to Harry Potter haters.

For some reason, I find parodies are always funnier (more funny?) when they're done by fans, instead of haters. Does anybody have a theory on why that is?

Unfortunately, it had to be taken off YouTube for a while, due to copyright issues or something. Apparently there's a video of one of the people involved explaining exactly what's going on, and saying that they're just tweaking things a bit and then they'll put it back up.

Which, naturally, lead to a very amusing conversation between me and my brother, discussing how things could be tweaked.

My first suggestion was to call it Parry Hotter, the Musical. That lead us to make up other names such as Gryffinclaw, Ravendor, Slytherpuff, and Hufflin.

And for some reason we decided that all Hufflin's are gangsters, all Slytherpuff's smoke, Gryffinclaw's fight a lot and Ravendors...well, I don't think we every found a purpose for the Ravendors.

Then I started thinking about the house names and animals. Ravenclaw, pretty apparent that it's animal would be a raven, or at lest some sort of bird. Slytherin, sounds very snake like to me. Gryffindor has the sound of a lion...gryffin and all. But Hufflepuff? Where does one get the idea for a badger from that?

Maybe they should have called it something more appropriate, like Hufflebadger, or Badgerpuff. Personally, I'm all for the second. In which case, the symbol for such a house should be a badger holding a cigarette.

Which of course would call into question the issue of animal rights, which would force us to tell everybody that it's an animagus, so no damage to animals was really done.

In other news, I saw my first Harry Potter trailer yesterday for the new movie, and now I'm so excited.

~Calminaiel~

"How do Slurpees work anyways? I mean, I understand putting ice into your drink. But putting drink into ice?"

Just for a change of pace

2009-06-17T23:44:00.004-06:00

So, remember that post I did a while back? The one where I was reading about Canadian history, and how fascinating it is, and how I wish I could have learned more of it in school?

Well, following those lines, I shall yet again tell you about what I'm reading now. Only there's a slight difference.

It's not exactly about Canadian history.

Actually, it's Harry Potter.

Okay, so maybe they're not similar. I just thought it was funny how my last post about my reading was very thoughtful and such on and so forth, and this time I've been reduced to Harry Potter.

Having said that, I don't think the whole Harry Potter series is trash. I quite enjoy it. Although, remember to take all my book ratings with a grain of salt. I'm also the person who enjoys Twilight.

And having said that, I shall now make a plea that you don't all comment on this post with 'How can you like Twilight?!' and such on. I just do. Deal with it. I don't care if you don't, and I happen to know that it's not even great writing.

But that's for another time.

My point for tonight is that I love how Rowling makes her characters grow up. I've read a few other series which take place over a few years, and yet their characters show very little growth. Particularly in the teenage stage of life. Sure, they go through a silent stage, but that's pretty much it. But Rowling, I believe, does quite well.

Especially in the last three books. The fifth one, I've actually decided, is my least favorite Harry Potter book.

(It just occurred to me that I may want to put a spoiler alert right here. So there you have it.)

Not really because of the plot. But because Harry's in his whole angst/emo stage of life, and all he does is yell at everybody. All the time. Through the whole book. It gets extremely frustrating after a while. I seriously just want him to shut up. He's perpetually angry. Which I suppose he has some reason, given his whole life situation and everything, but even so. He didn't yell nearly as much as in the previous four books.

However, the sixth is probably my favorite. I only say this, because in the sixth book, everybody is making out. All over Hogwarts. All the time. Which I find so funny, because that's exactly what high school is like. You just go around catching people making out. It's ridiculous. And hilarious.

Anyways, I should try and get to bed early-ish (ha) because of my late night last time, and thusly missing out on my running this morning. That shall not happen again.

~Calminaiel~

"It's a hot chocolate kind of day, isn't it?"

Comforting thoughts

2009-06-14T21:45:00.003-06:00

Real friendship is always caring.
Real friendship is telling secrets.
Real friendship is keeping secrets.
Real friendship is late nights.
Real friendship is noticing when you're missing.
Real friendship is worrying about it.
Real friendship is partying hard and recovering slowly.
Real friendship is never judging.
Real friendship is getting mad, but knowing you'll still be there after.
Real friendship is keeping a watchful eye, just in case.
Real friendship is knowing how far to let go before pulling back.
Real friendship is making mistakes.
Real friendship is moving on.
Real friendship is listening.
Real friendship is calling at 10 pm and spending the night.
Real friendship is knowing you can cry.
Real friendship is dropping everything to come over with a slurpee and chocolate.
Real friendship is letting you be stupid, but not that stupid.
Real friendship is not talking for 6 months, and picking up right where you left off.
Real friendship is not afraid of distance.
Real friendship is not afraid of silence.
Real friendship is always different.
Real friendship is always changing.
Real friendship is everything.
Real friendship is everywhere.
Real friendship cannot be defined.

~Calminaiel~

(PS: big thanks to Melda for the head banner. She did an awesome job on it.)

Procrastinating sleep

2009-06-12T01:35:00.002-06:00

Once again, I find myself in that odd place. Where, for that moment, I feel like just showing the world who I am. Putting all those silly walls and barriers down for a few moments and just telling everybody my thoughts, my feelings, and myself.

Because sometimes I just get tired of the way everybody, in some way or another, goes about their life pretending to be somebody else. The way we tend to walk around holding a mask in front of us, showing only what we want to be seen, and making the rest up as we go along.

Although I guess that is part of life. Making things up. Improvising. Doing what you need to do to just get through another day and keep moving.

I'm in a pensive mood, but my thoughts won't slow down or organize themselves enough for them to be turning into blogging thoughts. So I shall leave you with that, and the promise that this subject will eventually return. Subjects like this always return.

~Calminaiel~

"After you've finished practicing everything for your teacher, go back and practice certain passages like this, for your conductor."

I can has fan!

2009-05-27T22:38:00.002-06:00

Because of the subject of my last post, my father used that as a subject for his own blog at work. Clicky here to zip to that.

To those unaware, my dad talks on the radio. My friends call him a "DJ"...which to me just doesn't fit with Dad. I just say he talks on the radio.

Anyways, one person commented on his blog and said he actually liked reading my post. A fan! Gasp! Of course, being the dreamer I am, I always like to imagine that somebody I will allow my blog to grow, perhaps past sticking with Blogger, and maybe growing into it's own domain name, and having fans and readers who don't even know me personally, but just enjoy reading...

That's the dream, anyways. Maybe one day. And maybe not. But feeling like one person I don't know enjoyed this piece of what some call 'writing' is encouraging.

Quick note, I'm also fiddling with overhead subtitles, you probably noticed. I thought it was time for a change. I also took my Grandma's suggestion for a poll, as I was coming up blank.

And now, for a funny story.

Ever since I've started driving, I've been drinking less. Because, of course, I'm not the one driving myself home. And while I know I'm probably saving hundreds of brain cells and my liver is probably thanking me...I do love a good night of drinking every now and than. It's emotionally healthy.

At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

Our staff as work is currently trying to plan a karaoke night, to have some fun. We're in the middle of deciding on a karaoke bar right now. I went to Arnn (my house manager) and begged and pleaded that I would not have to be DD this time. I love driving, and I love being able to give people a ride home, but...well, it's just been so long since I've been able to drink so much that I can't even stand up.

Okay, I exaggerate slightly, but you get the point.

Arnn agreed that I was going into withdrawal, and said he'd drive, or find somebody else to be DD.

Of course, being me, I went home and realized I was now feeling guilty, because now I'm in the silly position of mooching a ride off some poor sober person, who may or may not have purposefully stayed sober specifically to drive me home. Stupid conscience.

And so begins the debate within my head. Would it really be so bad to just drive myself? Yes. Karaoke is definitely not nearly as fun when you're sober, even if I am sacrificing my singing skills (already not great) with every drink (or shot) I have. Would it really be so bad to mooch a ride off a DD? Kind of. I hate mooching rides.

It was after going through this cycle for a little bit that it came to me:

Why don't I just take a cab?

Sometimes I can only laugh at how I forget to be grown up.

(Having said all that, I'm also going to ladies night tomorrow at the Roadhouse. In a limo! And bringing $140 to spend on booze while there. Maybe saving some for a cab. Maybe.)

~Calminaiel~

"How is this city working? Your population is 3! A mayor, a flower shop girl, and the emo lady!"

Hello friends

2009-05-22T23:09:00.002-06:00

I'm really going to try to get back into blogging more regularly. I promise. What I'm going to blog regularly about, I don't quite know as of now. But do I ever really have a problem with blogging? Usually at the beginning of my blog, I'll say I have nothing to talk about, and three pages later, you're still reading about my elusive mind, and whatever happens to be lurking within.

Anyways.

I finished a new book tonight. It's of the Dear Canada collection, which is actually written for 12-15 year olds, but which I got into at about that time, and since it's a collection, I've started collected them. Along with the Princess Diaries, and a few Dear America books that I happen to pick up along the way.

This one is about a Ukrainian Internment camp in east Canada during the first World War. Of course you're probably wondering what the exact title of this book is, but I'm pretty sure I've given you enough information to Google it and find it yourself. Plus, I'm too lazy to get up off the couch and go find out the actual title, since I've already put it on my bookshelf.

And of course just now I remember it. 'Prisoners in the Promise Land'. Or something like that.

I've already spoken to both Bennet and Mom about what I'm about to say. There's your random fact of the night.

Reading this Dear Canada collection is really neat, because I get to see into Canada's past. For instance, I never knew that Canada put Ukrainians into internment camps during World War I. And with each book I read of this collection, I generally find out something I didn't know about Canada's history.

I was explaining this to Bennet, and how I thought our own history was fascinating. He said he didn't find it that amazing, but that's because he studied it so much in high school, he's sick of it by now.

And that's when I realized.

We, being the kids in the public school system in Calgary, don't learn about Canada's history.

Allow me to explain a little, because we do learn history, just not the way I would prefer it.

I never took a class called 'history'. I always took 'social studies'. Apparently that's what we do here.

Honestly, the last time I can remember learning about Canada's internal history, was in grade 6 when we learned about the different groups of natives who used to live here. I researched the Algonquin tribe, and since then, it's been my favorite native tribe. Other than that, we jut drew maps of our country and its provinces, territories, oceans, etc. Which is important too, but besides the point.

From there, I proceeded into junior high. There we learned about the different natural resources in the states of the US. We learned of the different countries that used to be a part of the USSR, and their natural resources. We learned the difference between being in the production industry, and the service industry. We learned the different between a communist market, a free market, and something in between. We memorized the different '-stan' countries (Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, Afghanistan, etc.). I can't remember touching Canada, aside from maybe having to memorize important dates, such as when we became an independent country.

Now, high school. We learned the difference between having liberal beliefs, and conservative beliefs. We learned various political beliefs, and how to recognize whether somebody was liberal, conservative, etc. based on a short paragraph describing their political views. We learned about the two World Wars, and who was fighting on who's side for both of them. We drew maps of yet more countries in Europe, and their capital cities. The most I can recall learning about Canada is that in the first World War, we were forced to join because we were technically still a part of Britain, so when they were in, we were in, no questions asked. World War two was when we officially joined the war by ourselves.

From this, all I gather is that the school makes sure we know the geography of our own country, which is important, and that we know that we were once a territory of Britain, but eventually gained our own independence as a country. Both important.

Now, let me tell you about what I've learned from reading these books.

In order to make the original French colonies grow, King Louis himself would pay for girls to be sent to Canada to start families and actually settle in Canada. When France and Britain were fighting over the territory in Canada, hundreds of Acadians were forced out of their homes, put on ships, sailed over to Europe, and dumped into town were the townspeople (who generally did not look friendly at these newcomers) were expected to take care of them. In England, when orphanages and poor houses were overflowing with children, they would give them a chance to go to Canada, and work as Home Children, helping around the house, which gave many children a chance to have a good life as opposed to spending it in the poor house. Thousands of Chinese were brought to Canada during the building of the Canadian Pacific Railway, because they desperately needed the workers, and they were known for being very hard workers. Influenza, the Spanish Flu, killed so many people, and many families sent their children out of towns, to relatives' farms to get them away, although nobody really knew how it was caught. The Canadian government put Ukrainians into interment camps during World War I, for seemingly very little reason, and later destroyed all the documents about them. It wasn't even officially acknowledged that those camps happened at all until 2005, and even then it wasn't until 2006 that the government passed a bill that stated never again would anybody be imprisoned in Canada for their race or origin. Canada and the United States have only ever fought one war against each other, and in the war, we burned down their White House. Since then, we have never fought.

I know if I were to look at all the books I've read, I'd remember more.

Now, maybe all of this may no seem that important to you. And maybe it really isn't that crucial. But it does seem a little backwards to me that I'm learning more about Canada's history from children's books than I ever did in school.

I'm not saying that everything we did in social studied was unimportant. But it does make me wonder.

One moment that comes to mind, is when we were learning the various '-stan' countries. We did actually have to memorize the spelling, and location of each country, and we had a test on it.

Yes, geography is very important. But even so. I'm still left wondering why that is apparently a bigger priority of learning the history of our own country.

Anything I saw now will only be a repetition of what I have already stated. So I shall leave the ball in your court now, for you to think what you will.

PS, I need ideas for a new poll. I thought about making it about this topic, but the choices would just be way too many. It's easier for you to comment about your thoughts. While you do that, I shall brainstorm poll ideas.

~Calminaiel~

"I just pictured Arnn sitting cross legged on the floor beside you, eagerly holding the yard while you knit."

Apologies

2009-05-20T23:21:00.002-06:00

I know, I've slipped off the wagon when it comes to blogging. And not just blogging myself. I also haven't been keeping up to date with reading others' blogs. Maybe I just needed a break. Breaks are always healthy.

And of course, now that I've decided to come back, I have no idea what to say.

I'll talk about Graham's show that he did with his musical theater class yesterday. Well, and today, but yesterday was the show I went to.

They did the musical 'Opal'. I'd never heard of it before, but it's an adorable musical, and made me cry more than once.

The main girl has a wonderful imagination. Which most main girls have in any given musical, but that's besides the point.

She reminded me of the kind of imagination I used to have. Well, still have, I suppose, but it's been left out of things for a while. The kind of imagination where you name things, and talk to them, and generally just believe in what you want to believe in.

(PS: I feel myself going into a shpeal that I'm pretty sure I've gone into before. If you dislike repetitive shpeals, you should probably opt out now)

It makes me sad to think of how long it's been since I've gone for a walk with that imagination. Or even had a good chat. We may have passed each other every now and then, and exchanged 'how do you do's, but we haven't really connected in a while.

I think that's a good summer project for me. Even though I'm already loading myself up with summer projects, I think I still have room to add this one as well.

But what's really disappointing is that there doesn't always seem to be much room for imagination.

Sigh.

My mind is thinking much faster than my fingers are typing, which makes for a difficult time of blogging. Perhaps this is a subject better left alone until I've fully organized my thoughts.

I think that is a good idea.

~Calminaiel~

"Thank you, Mr. Poker announcer."

Happy Birthday to Me

2009-05-08T02:54:00.002-06:00

Another birthday.

I am now 19. (Which means I'm legal all over Canada now, right?)

I had this big contemplative post lined up to write tonight. It was going to include memories, and hopes and dreams, and random thoughts...

But now that I'm sitting here, there's only one thing I really want to mention about today.

Dad gave me a pair of Taylor Swift tickets. Which are totally awesome seats, and includes admission to the Stampede that day. Totally awesome.

Later in the day, he asked me if I was surprise. I smiled and kinda laughed, and I assume he took that as a yes. But really, I wasn't.

Because I had always wanted to go to Taylor Swift since I heard she was coming here. And Dad told me he'd take me to see Taylor Swift. He said it in such a complete, for sure, tone, that I never questioned it. Even when tickets were sold out, and he hadn't mentioned it yet, I never doubted that I was going to Taylor Swift.

Now, maybe I remember it wrong. Maybe he did slip in a 'maybe' or 'if I can get tickets' into the conversation. But the way I remember it, he very clearly told me he would take me to Taylor Swift. And since that moment, I knew I was going to see Taylor Swift one way or another.

It comforts me to know that I trust my dad that much.

~Calminaiel~

"Remember that time I said your boyfriend was old?"
"Remember that time when you were a jerk?"

Sunny, smiley, sunbeam

2009-05-01T18:49:00.002-06:00

Dentists suck.

But enough of that.

Going to opera tonight, which should be fine.

I don't actually have much to say. I need to figure out what I'm doing for the next few days, and there have been a few times this week that I want to have a good talk.

Anyways, I decided it was high time I put the new poll up, which is really what I came here to say.

~Calminaiel~

"Could a guy be shot in the chest and proceed to cough out the bullet?"

Interesting

2009-04-28T23:57:00.003-06:00

I used to plug into my iPod every chance I got. Whether it was taking the bus to school, taking the dogs for a walk, or even just the ten minute drive from school to home, I always stuck my earphones into my ears, and turned on my music. Even for those ten minutes.

I'd even spend at least half an hour listening to my music before bed. I was addicted to my music. Seriously.

Now I'm finding I have more chances to plug in and listen, but I'm preferring to sit in silence, and listen to my own thoughts instead.

What does this mean, I wonder?

~Calminaiel~

(PS: new poll coming soon, I promise)

Watching the fuse

2009-04-21T23:19:00.002-06:00

It's going to blow. I'm almost sure. I just don't know when. Should I start forming a plan? Or when the time comes, will it even matter if I do have a plan?

Not that either of those questions matter. I've already started to make various plans, and which one I use will all depend on the situation. I've even left room to improvise.

You can't all me unprepared.

But that is not the point of this.

The point is, taking pictures of people. Not a bad topic, which I thought of thanks to Ken. I had been looking for something to post about. The Vancouver road trip was wonderful, but tonight is not the night to share anything about that, I don't think.

Anyways, back on topic. Taking pictures. Or having pictures taken of you.

Certain people have always bugged me when it comes to having pictures taken of themselves. They're the kind of people who block the way of cameras, or turn their heads, and always avoid pictures because they insist they always look horrible in them and they hate them.

And I won't lie, for a while, a very short while, I was also one of those people. Not even because I agreed that I always looked bad. But because that's what all the other girls did. Reasons for me following them go back a ways, but that's a tale for another time.

But eventually it occurred to me that the only reason people don't generally like seeing pictures of themselves is because they're not used to seeing themselves. Yes, we all see each other in the mirror, but looking at ourselves in a bathroom, or bedroom mirror, is much different than seeing us 'in action', as it were. Laughing, and jumping, and running, and doing everything that can be captured in pictures.

But it also occurred to me that when I look at pictures of other people, they never look weird. Because I'm used to seeing them. I'm not used to seeing myself. Logically, the picture is just capturing what everybody else already sees. It doesn't make me look weird at all.

So to get rid of this uneasy camera feeling that I had created, I had a phase where I took as many pictures of me as I possibly could. All the time. I jumped at the chance to get in front of a camera.

And it must have worked. Because now when there's a camera pointed at me, I don't worry. I strike a pose, make a face, smile...whatever the occasion calls for.

Like most posts, I highly doubt this has a point. But every once in a while, I'm reminded of how...frustrating it is when people are so camera shy. Not even shy. Firmly against it. Oh well. Moving on.

Comment of the night: How can somebody be so self-centered, and yet still have no clue about anything going on in their own life? I will never understand.

I really feel like getting out of here. I want to go for a walk. And yet, I also just want to hide in my room. But I feel like that's not far enough away.

I see the fuse becoming shorter.

~Calminaiel~

"For the amount I'm paying..."

Here we are again

2009-04-13T11:19:00.002-06:00

Yes. History class.

Generally I don't like to write here if I only have a limited time in which to do it. I like having an entire night to think about things, and get them down here. But maybe having only half an hour to say what I have to say will be good for me.

Especially since this whole thing came to me in the middle of my musicianship exam, and I can't wait to get it down.

It's almost summer. Almost the end of classes. Only one more week. Not even that, because I have no classes Thursday, and I'll be away Friday.

My point is, the end of my first year of university is very close.

Ever year, for as long as I can remember, I get the same feeling when summer comes around. Maybe I just haven't been able to describe it like this until now.

In musicianship this morning it suddenly occurred to me that I survived long enough to make it to summer.

All year we work through school. We do papers, we spend hours, days, of our lives in practice rooms, trying to find that something inside of us that the rest of the world actually wants to hear. We drink, we party, we suffer hangovers. We make mistakes, and we screw up. We procrastinate, and run out of time, pull all nighters, and nap in class the next morning. We go through times where we would rather just curl up and die than have to go through the next few days. We wonder whether our major is actually what we want to do with the rest of our lives. We wonder whether a university degree is actually as important as it seem, and whether it wouldn't be more efficient to just forget about it entirely. And I'm almost positive that at least one during this year, the same brief idea has occurred to everybody. Would it actually be so bad to just give up?

But we didn't. We made it to the summer, and we're seeing the end of the year.

Because at the end of the day, no matter how beaten to shit our ego is, or how little sleep we've gotten over the course of the week, or how many assignments we have due, and haven't started...

At the end of the day, we still pull ourselves together, pick up what little of our sanity is left from the floor, bandage our sprained dignity...

And we get up the next morning to go through it all again.

Does that mean that I care more about just survival than actually doing well?

Maybe a little bit.

But that's how I roll. And I'm still here, at the end of my days as a first year student. So I must be doing something right.

Ah, I almost forgot the most important part.

At the end of the day,

I have no regrets.

~Calminaiel~

"I'm stressed for you."

Even if it's fake

2009-04-07T13:47:00.001-06:00

I woke up this morning.

And it smelled like summer.

~Calminaiel~

"I'm really bad at life."
"I love sex."

(PS, new poll)

Life works

2009-03-18T23:47:00.002-06:00

Has anybody else noticed how life just sometimes works out for you?

There are many examples of this in my own life, and I shall proceed to explain ones that come to mind.

There are the simple things. Like how I wasn't ready for my lesson one week and I was freaking out about how I hadn't practiced, and I was stressing like you couldn't imagine. Over the night, it snows, and my bus doesn't show up in the morning, so I miss my lesson.

Like coming back from paintballing with Ryley, Josh, and Jordan, and having so much fun I didn't really want to get back home, and Jordan suggests going for ice cream, therefore extending my time with them by an hour or so.

Like when you're running out of time and you feel stressed that you can't get everything done, and you find out that something's been canceled, giving you more time to finish things and calm down.

It goes on and on like that, and you can even get into bigger things.

For instance, how I got where I am today, with my bassoon. Think about it. In elementary, I knew my mom was in band in high school. I wasn't sure whether to do it, but my grade six teacher told me if I don't do it in my first year of jr. high, I'd probably not get another chance to, so I should try it if I'm thinking about it, and then I can just not do it again if I don't like it.

Then, on the first day of registering for options in jr. high, I almost didn't even sign up for it, because all my other friends at the time thought band was ridiculous, and I'd have to step away from them and go into unknown territory. Which I did.

Then there's the fact that I barely even know what a bassoon was. Here are the things I did know:
1) it was rather large
2) it was rather low
3) not many people played it

That was it. And yet I had some burning desire to play it.

And then I had to listen to my friends talking about what they wanted to do when they grew up, and they all had ideas of what to study in university and such...and I had nothing. I did not like classes, why would I want to keep going with them after high school?

Until somebody reminded me that I should do what I like. And the thing I liked most out of everything was playing bassoon.

And here I am.

But I digress.

My point is, I see so many people worrying about life, and making a big deal out of everything single thing that happens, and generally just thinking too much about everything.

My belief is that life will help you get to where you want to be. Even if you don't know you want to be there yet, as with me and music.

I'm not saying you should be completely passive with your future. But maybe we should all just slow down and let things work themselves out. I know people who, when they get an idea for their future, they make a beeline straight for it, and immediately start working towards getting there.

Now, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. But there is such a thing as finishing up before moving on. Ending a phrase nicely, because going on to the next one, as some might say.

Personally, when I get an idea for my future, I consider it, and basically just file it away in my head. Not to be forgotten about, but rather, to be reminded of. Contrary to rushing straight to it, but also not just waiting for something to come to me, I keep the thought with me, and keep an eye out for opportunities. Because I really do think that if you want to get somewhere, and you're willing to work for it, life will give you the right opportunities, without you having to sweat blood and tears to get there yourself.

That sounds like I'm preaching a little. I know I'm not perfect, and I'll admit, I don't do that all the time. There are many times that I'm too aggressive about getting somewhere in life, or even way too passive about it. But I believe my point remains the same.

In other news, I'm getting a very one-sided response to the latest poll. The idea has occurred to me that people are just replying in the way that they think I want them too, because they don't want to say that what I write is boring. But you guys wouldn't do that to me, right? =)

Of course not. I trust you. Even so, I really should pick a better poll topic for next time. Like...

I don't even know. But I'll come up with something for next time, I promise.

~Calminaiel~

"We all play different instruments, with different shapes, and substances, and all with different apparatuses used for creating sound."

Timbits

2009-03-13T20:31:00.002-06:00

I think I just finished the last apple fritter one, which is disappointing, because those ones are my favorites.

For my last driving lesson tonight we drove to Airdrie and he bought me hot chocolate, a danish (which we split), and a 10 pack of timbits which he said were all for me. And he got himself a coffee.

And now I have the house to myself for a while, until Graham or Uncle Chester get home. Which is nice, I don't get the house to myself often enough.

Overall, life has not been bad in the past little while. This week has been a little rough, because I had a history test, which stressed me out a little, and you all know how I react when stressed. Not always good.

But that's okay, because this weekend is going to be fabulous. Well, except maybe CYO, but we'll see about that one. Especially since Alicia isn't there to play cards with me...what will I do while he's doing string work? Hope that there isn't much string work to be done, I suppose. Maybe I'll just stay up late tonight, and then I'll be so tired that I'll just sleep while he's doing it. But that also won't put me in a good mood in the morning...*sigh*

Ken sits right behind me...maybe he'd like to play cards with me...

Anyways, after CYO I get to see the boy, which is always a glorious occasion. Then we'll go and do a quick trip for party items, and...extremely non-alcoholic drinks, as they're calling them these days...then spend a nice lazy time at home leading up to the party, then party like there's no tomorrow. After history, I think I deserve it. Now is exactly the right time to party like there's no tomorrow. It's still early enough for me to think I did well, and I have nothing to tell me anything against that belief yet.

Oh, and then swimming on Sunday. =) Glorious times.

It's nice not to work on a weekend for once. It's a pity it's kind of required to take at least one weekend. I could always do the silly thing and just check in at the end of the week, and hope all the weekend shifts are taken, but then I also don't get the good choices during the week, which is not always so good. Oh well. I get this one, which is good.

How should I make the most of my time in the house alone? Play my own music really loud? Be lazy? Bake cookies and dance in the kitchen? Rock out by myself on Rock Band? So many choices, not nearly enough time.

And as much as my brother annoys me the majority of the time he's around...I'm kinda bored when he's not around.

~Calminaiel~

"The video won video of the year or something, but I don't think it's that good. I think it just won because she cries in it."

Ponderings

2009-03-02T15:01:00.004-07:00

It occurred to me a while ago that I don't often write short blog posts. Usually I write really long ones, which may or may not have anything important contained in them.

I also realized that I never really blog unless I have something significant to say. Which usually results in me not blogging for various lengths of time.

Using Rae as an example, her post today contained three lines. Mine are usually more like three pages.

So maybe I'll start posting more, and make my posts shorter. It's something to think about.

In the time I haven't posted, I've learned a lot about music and myself, and I think my mood's turning up again, away from the unmotivated and unproductive spell I was having. That's a good thought.

New poll up. There were five votes on the last one, and they were pretty much spread out. I'll leave that one up so people can look at results while also posting a new poll.

I remember having a question for all of you, which I wasn't going to pose in poll form...but I suddenly can't remember it. I'll let you know if I do.

Oh yes, I do remember. I'm thinking of having some guest bloggers on here every once in a while. Thoughts?

~Calminaiel~

"I like how everybody commenting on facebook is currently in class right now."

Ha, Allen

2009-02-25T16:40:00.002-07:00

Not that I usually like to plug these too much, but if you have nothing else to do, methinks you should check out Le poete seul est hante and The Blue Egg Nest. For no particular reason. Just because.

You should also check out the newest Allen Comic. In my opinion, it's fricking hilarious, and also so true. The best kind of comic, I think.

I taught a clinic today for one of the best students I think I've ever had. She was in grade 5, and had never had a real bassoon clinic or lesson before. Basically, she was handed a bassoon, and they said 'good luck' to her. But she was so keen, and just absorbed everything I told her, and kept asking for more. She wasn't afraid to ask questions. And not just when I asked her if she had any questions, but whenever I stopped for breath she would jump in with whatever questions she just thought of. It was excellent. I hope I get asked back, because I would love to work with her again, she's just amazing.

I'm going to see Mikey's bassoon recital tonight. I'm quite excited to hear it, I like hearing Mike play. I don't like having to blend with him as much...but that's probably because I've been playing with Alicia in everything for so long that I haven't had to actually blend with anybody other than her for quite a while. So I'm probably just being lazy. =P Anyways, it'll be nice to hear Mikey play.

Aren't you proud of my frequency of updates lately? I know, so am I. =) Don't expect it to last though...second semester is about to whirl back into my life. I've been denying it for the past few days, but I'm positive it'll push it's way back in. Oh well. If I stop blogging, it's only because I'm insanely busy and, as a consequence, insanely tired.

I was planning on having a shower before going to see Mike, but now I'm not sure if I'll have time...oh well, I should have time to shower before going to rehearsal tomorrow, so I'll be fine.

And guess what my uterus surprised me with this morning?

Just because I feel that you all should know. =)

~Calminaiel~

"I have never heard you use the term 'clusterf**k. I've heard Adam use the term 'clusterf**k.'"

Snow Day!

2009-02-24T13:07:00.002-07:00

I know, they're rare. And technically, it's not even a snow day. Snow days infer that most people are forced to take the day off because of the snow. In reality, it's just me. Well, probably some other students, but certainly not the majority of Calgary.

Anyways, after waiting almost an hour for my bus to take me to lessons, I called my teacher, since by that time even if the bus did come I wouldn't make it in time, and then just headed home. I don't have wind ensemble rehearsal, because of the AIBF, and the only real class I had today would have been my philosophy tutorial. Which, I'm not going to lie, may have been helpful, because A) I still don't know what I'm doing for my paper due tomorrow, and B) I fell asleep in class yesterday. But I'm not really panicked about philosophy, so I'll survive that.

Erin tells me we still have orchestra rehearsal tonight, but Dad will be home by then, so I can catch a ride. I still don't know where we'll have rehearsal, but oh well.

I really should take the dogs for some sort of walk today, but it just seems like a perfect day to relax inside the house. Oh well, I'll give it a little more time, then maybe I'll bundle up and take them out for a little bit.

Heartland is getting better every time I watch it. The most recent episode actually left me really happy, instead of building me up, and getting really happy, before totally letting me down, and just leaving me feeling angry.

I love and hate reading week. I love it because it's a break, and who doesn't love a break from work? But at the same time, I feel like I just really started getting into the swing of second semester, and just when I'm starting to get back into the workload and such, they give us a break. Which sucks for me, because as long as I get myself into a work routine, I can mostly be productive. So this break has just broken my routine, and it'll take at least a week before I can make myself start to be productive again. And when I say a week, I mean a week after my classes start.

Hopefully Krishan and I were actually serious about being history study buddies. I think that would help with things a lot.

Well, I should get back to my mostly unproductive day.

~Calminaiel~

"I think they were just too lazy to come up with a contest, so they just put a monkey in the prize closet."

New Layout!

2009-02-22T21:21:00.002-07:00

If you haven't noticed yet, the sidebar is different!

I was inspired to change up the old blog, which has basically remained the same since I started this blog. This inspiration came from friends' blogs, and also just from myself. I'll explain.

One of my thoughts in doing this renovation, if you will, was my wish to make my blog a little more interactive. I tried this when I first started the blog. Putting my favorite videos up, fun websites, etc. But I never updated them, and once I posted them, they pretty much remained there until the end of time, until I eventually forgot about them, and those lists were downgraded to the bottom of the blog where nobody looks. Again, this partially came from looking at some other blogs, and liking how they kept bringing you back because they were always changing. Well, besides the post updates themselves.

Another thought I had, when looking at my blog as it was, was that it seemed too much like I was trying to be something. I was trying very hard to be...me. I was trying too hard to show people what I wanted to look like to other people. If that makes sense, which it likely doesn't.

Anywayy, the point is that I got rid of the random site lists (except for one) and I've included more interactive stuff, such as the poll, and also more personal things that just have to do with me, such as my upcoming events.

So what's up with these new additions? Well, I'll tell you.

Personally, I've always found polls interesting, and fun. Especially when they're simple, one questions polls that you just answer, and then see what other people answered. I figure I'll give people two weeks to answer a poll. I'd like to think that people check my blog at least once every two weeks.

That is, if I would actually post every two weeks, but I'll work on that, I promise.

And don't worry, the poll questions won't always be quite as thoughtful as this one is. I just figured I'd make it relevant to my last post.

Upcoming events, as mentioned above, is just an attempt to put a little more of me into this blog. As if there isn't enough already, but this is my blog, so deal with it. Most of these events will be things that anybody reading this would be able to take part in, so I encourage you, if you see any concerts, or events that you'd like to attend, or take part in, please message me, be in an email, over facebook, a call or text, or even just a comment on my blog, please do so. The more the merrier. =) If you don't get a hold of me, I can't give you more information about said event.

Internet adventures. This is the one list of links that I decided to keep, and if all goes my way, it should constantly be changing. I don't think I'll ever have more than five links on that list at a time, and they'll all just be things on the internet that I stumble upon, and found amusing, or thoughtful, or anything at all besides boring and dull. Something tells me I'll be getting most of these links from Kristian when we're wasting time at school.

Having said that, if you ever have a suggestion for Internet Adventures, or for a question for the poll, or even an event you'd like me to add to my list, again, please message me in some fashion, and I'll probably be more than happy to add it.

New blogs that I add to my blog list will also probably be added to my Link List.

Discovery of the day: my blog list will tell me when xkcd updates! How cool is that?

Anyways, I shall let you explore the new ways of my blog. Which you've probably already figured out.

A sudden thought: Maybe I should have made the poll question relevant to whether or not you like my new layout...or I can just tell you to comment on it, and let me know. =) Problem solved.

Until next time,

~Calminaiel~

"Dad! You have to come see us fry the chicken!!"

Names

2009-02-19T16:26:00.002-07:00

It occurred to me on Monday how much significance our names can have.

It just hit me suddenly, and, having no time to think of it at that moment, I had to postpone it until that night, where I had time to sort things out.

Anyways, enough prologue, I shall start attempting to make sense.

I was hanging out with Bennet on Monday night, and he had some calls to some friends to make, so I sat with him while he did that. Well, actually I was half laying on him while he was doing that, but it was very comfortable. For me.

While he was on the phone, generally the other person would always ask what he was up too, and sometimes he would say 'I'm hanging with the girlfriend' and other times he would say 'I'm hanging with Robyn.'

And I always got the weirdest, best feeling whenever he said my name to somebody else.

He doesn't always call me by my name. In fact, he actually rarely does, at least to my face. He'll always call 'baby' or something. Which also makes me feel insanely special, because anybody who knows me knows that I love nicknames. The few times he does call me by my name, it's generally when I'm upset, and I'm refusing to listen to him, or talk to him, and then he'll say it, which generally gets my attention, but also gives me the weirdest, best feeling that was mentioned above.

It's quite interesting, and I still don't think I'm completely sorted out what it means, or why it happens. But on Monday whenever he said my name...it wasn't just like he was saying my name. It's like he was saying my identity, in a single word. He can somehow fit everything that is me into a single word.

There have been a few times where he's said my name, and it's like I'm suddenly reminded that that is who I am. He says it, and I think 'Right. I'm Robyn, and everything that is Robyn is also me.'

Like I said, it's the weirdest feeling, but it's also the most wonderful feeling of the world.

The whole thing just made me realize how much significance my name actually has. I don't think I've ever realized it before, and even now I don't know how well I can explain it.

Does it sound weird if I say that sometimes I forget my name is Robyn? I'll explain.

When I think of myself, I don't think of myself as Robyn. Sure, it's what I write on all my exam papers, and introduce myself as. But when I think of myself, and who I am, I don't think of myself as Robyn. I think of myself as...oh, everything that I've ever done, and thought, and are still doing and thinking.

Does anybody ever think of themselves by their own name?

And that's another thing that I'm reminded of when I hear Bennet say my name. I suddenly remember that that's who other people see me as. When they see me, they think 'Robyn'.

Maybe that does sound a little crazy. I don't know why I think nothing of it when other people say my name, and suddenly Bennet does and I go into this thinking spree. Maybe I just needed him to say it, in that weird, wonderful way that he does, to make me realize it. Maybe life decided it was time that I find out another aspect of my identity, of myself, that I can lean on when I need to.

Anyways, I should be off to figure out what I'm doing tonight, and with whom (well, I guess I already know the latter part of the question).

And thus, I shall diminish into the night, and remain...Robyn.

I'm so lame. <3

~Calminaiel~

"Why do the car warranty people keep calling me? I don't even own a car."

Squee!

2009-02-08T23:29:00.002-07:00

I definitely just had an awesome weekend.

Besides Friday night, and even then it wasn't the entire night that went wrong, it was just that I started thinking while I was drinking, and that definitely should not be allowed. Oh well, it's over now, and to anybody who was there Friday night, I'm sorry I was quite weepy, but it wasn't serious and I am happy now. =)

Anyways, besides being completely dead tired for orchestra in the morning, after that I picked up Bennet and we hung out before I went for my first driving lesson.

It didn't go too bad. It still makes me a little nervous to be driving with somebody who is there for the sole purpose of watching my driving, but he said I did really good for my first session, so that's alright. Whenever I get too nervous about these lessons and the exam and everything, I just remind myself that this is something that the large majority of my friends have gone through, and they're all still here and breathing, so I should be able to get through it too.

It makes me feel better, but part of me is still nervous that it will take me a lot longer, and a lot more tries, to get it done than anybody else. But I guess we'll have to see.

Anyways, after that there was much playing of Rock Band (me and my brother are playing the Endless Playlist on our tour [playing every single song on the game] in order to attain Legendary status). Bennet came to the Wind Ensemble party with me, which made me so happy.

I had a lot of fun, a lot to drink, and there was much laughing. My conductor got to see me drunk, and I got way too excited about foosball. Coolers also do me in, because the combination of sugar and booze gives me a super high, but then that also results in a super low within a few hours.

Oh well.

To compensate for the last four days of getting four hours of sleep, I got a good at least 10 hours of sleep, although I think it was probably close to 11.

As a side note, my parents are watching a movie about a nuclear sub that's gone wrong, and they don't have proper radiation suits, so all the crews are taking turns going into the reactor and trying to fix it, and they're all getting sick because of the radiation. It's kinda painful to watch.

Anyways, back to more happy topics.

Bennet and I went on an adventure to North Hill Mall, where we went to EB games (the people there actually knew what they were talking about!), Cutting Edge (swords are just cool), and the games shop, where we found a booster pack for Killer Bunnies, and we bought it for Lindsey and Andrew. They were happy.

Very good weekend. I enjoyed it, and I feel ready to take on the coming week. Which is what weekends should to for you. =)

Now, the only big issue on my mind right now, is that I don't know if I'll get a chance to get a really good practice session in before the recital on Wednesday. It's a little troubling, but I'm trying not to think about it too much right now. I could always stay late tomorrow evening to get some in. Even that would be better than nothing.

Last point of the night: heart to heart talks are very healthy things, I recommend them.

Now, I seriously need to get my theory homework tonight. I've already accomplished the task of doing my theory homework during class in order to hand it in at the end, and I found I didn't enjoy it all that much.

~Calminaiel~

"But I'm a really cute hypocrite."

My safe place

2009-02-03T23:38:00.002-07:00

I don't like this feeling.

It makes me feel too alone.

Maybe my haunted poet can explain it better.

~Calminaiel~

"Aw, man, I died three times. I'm so killing him."

Shot in the face

2009-01-29T23:14:00.003-07:00

Don't think too much of the title. I'm watching Graham and his friend Wayne play risk, and I was struggling for a title. Which is when I generally just pick an easy line that I hear and use it. Voila.

And I've been meaning to do this for a while, but I haven't been in the mood lately.

Tag rules:

1. Go to where you store your digital photo folders. Open the fourth folder.
2. Go to the fourth picture and post it.
3. Explain the photo
4. Tag four people.

This is me and Elena at some sort of backyard party I was having. She found the camera, and did what Elena does, and takes lots of fabulous picture, this being one of them. This was after I shaved my head, thus the insanely short hair. I don't think this is the best picture of me, but at the same time, it's a picture including me, and a friend, and I always tend to love any picture of that nature.

Tagged: Amy, Andrea, Kristian, and Kevin.

I would have tagged Chloe and Rae, but I figured if I could tag people who haven't actually done it yet, I probably should. =P

Honestly, a lot of thinking has been going on these past few days. Not all of it good. The worst day had to be Tuesday night / Wednesday morning. But then that afternoon I sat down with my bassoon, and even after warming up, I was already feeling better. I love how practicing can just make me forget everything and keep my mind inside a practice room and on a task. It's a good feeling.

Of course, that can turn around, because there are times when life is so crazy that I can't make myself sit down and practice, because life is so insane that I can't focus and everything just goes downhill. But that's for another time.

Generally I hide out in my room while my brother has a friend over. But I like Wayne, and I clearly don't feel like hiding in my room right now. Thus, here I am.

Me and Mom had a nice night out. We talked about a bunch of stuff, which was good. I don't really talk to my Mom enough. Mostly because I'm only sometimes in the mood, which is my own fault. But still, it was fun. I wouldn't mind doing it more often.

On another note, I really need to find that balance between studying and practicing. It's a fine balance, and I clearly haven't found it yet, because I'm either feeling really good about my lessons, or really good about my classes, but never both. Sometimes neither, but that's another story.

Well, the thought of this weekend will probably get me through tomorrow. As well as Laser Tag in the evening. That'll take a lot of the week's worries away. Especially if we go for "beverages" after.

~Calminaiel~

"I think it's a fantastic idea. In fact, all of you should commission me to write pieces for birthdays."

Dala

2009-01-26T14:36:00.002-07:00

I'm currently sitting in Mac Hall. In about an hour I'll get up and schedule for work, and then proceed to sit around for another hour before going to class. I've been more unproductive than I really should be.

But I did get my theory homework done already. Which means that is one thing done that I now don't have to think about for the next week.

Anyways, I really only have one thing to say, that I've been thinking about since Thursday, and only now have had a chance to sit down and blog about it.

These lines of this song seem to mean something significant to me. The scary thing is, I think it may be because I believe it's true, in a way. I still haven't completely figured it out.

And you'll forget you love her
When she forgets her lines
So don't believe the actress
When she cries

~Calminaiel~

"And now, a Kristian solo."

Mixed messages

2009-01-15T23:28:00.003-07:00

I always feel bad when I come out of a good experience, and yet I seem to rant about it more than I rave about it.

I don't even know how that happens.

Like tonight's performance of West Side Story. It really was a blast. And yet when I got in the car with Mom and Alicia, the majority of the stories I told were all the things that annoyed me or bugged me during the evening.

Don't quite sure what that means. But oh well. So sometimes it's just safer to straight out ask me how something was instead of basing your opinions on what my stories seem to infer.

After saying that, it occurs to me how ridiculous that sounds. So disregard that statement if you wish. I know I probably would.

I've also discovered that I can be a very traditionalist person in some ways. Probably due to that whole hopeless romantic side of me.

I could elaborate, but at the moment that takes more thought than I really feel like putting into this blog.

On another note, my goal of being productive is already not working out so well. I was hoping to at least attempt to set a good work ethic, and then let it slowly fall out as the semester goes on. Instead, apparently I'm starting out the term with very little work ethic. Oh well. That just wouldn't be me, would it?

Then again, West Side has been taking up a lot of time. So let's blame it on that for now, and we'll see how I do next week.

Talking about anything else requires me to think, and I'm pretty sure I've used up most of my brain power for the day.

~Calminaiel~

"If Ken batted his eyelashes at you, you'd give him extra bacon, wouldn't you?"

Too much of anything is bad

2009-01-14T23:22:00.003-07:00

I am a music student, am I not?

And we enjoy the odd inappropriate joke and sexual innuendo now and then, do we not?

Yes, I am a music student. And yes, music students are not the most pure and innocent people on the earth.

But honestly, when somebody is doing both of those every 30 seconds? Seriously? It gets old after a while. Did I say after a while? I meant very quickly. Especially when I'm not enjoying the rehearsal as it is, having to listen to that come out every half a minute did not improve things much. Like I said, we do enjoy those remarks now and then. Emphasis on 'now and then'.

Apparently his definition of 'now and then' occurs much more frequently than mine does.

But seriously, bursting out in hysterical laughter when the conductor asks us to start at bar 69? How old are you, 30? Do you do that every time a conductor says 69? Because honestly, I got over that one in grade 8.

Anyways. In other news.

I still can't find my theory textbook. It has to be in my house somewhere, and yet I can't find it. I'm thinking I may have to resort to asking Kristian if I can use his.

Should I be alarmed by the size of the wine glass that my father enjoys carrying around the house? Or rather, by the quantity of wine in said wine glass? Hehe.

By the way, for anybody who cares, I'm having another house party on March 13th. Possibly the 14th. Anyways, sometime that weekend. Mark it down. It'll be good times. I'm sure we'll all need a good night of drinking by then.

Heck, it's only the third day of term, and I already feel like I need a good night of drinking. That can't be a good sign.

(Note to self: do not forget to go schedule for work tomorrow. That will be bad.)

File, save.

It'll be nice to finally perform West Side Story in front of a big audience. So much of the energy gets lost as you rehearse, and rehearse, and rehearse. Adding an audience gives back so much more energy into the show. It'll be fun, I think.

I'm also really looking forward to the weekend. Speaking of which, I think you were right about my thinking, although I didn't realize it at the time. I really hope we get the chance to sit down and talk. In case you didn't realize this, the desire to talk never really leaves. But that's for another time.

Oh, also looking forward to sight reading easy music tomorrow. The university is hosting a clinic for a jr. high school, so a bunch of people in wind ensemble are giving lessons before rehearsal, and then we're going to sight read their music for them. And apparently they're in grade 6 or something, so I'm quite excited.

I think looking forward to things is an important aspect in life. I mean, what are we doing of we have nothing to be excited about? If there's no anticipation for anything coming up?

Breaking news of the day: I wasn't actually that bad (mood-wise) this morning. I got out of bed on time, I actually made sure I was sitting up before I turned off my alarm, so there was no chance that I would roll over and go back to sleep. I gathered what I needed, and even asked my brother for a bus ticket, along with an explanation about how I left my university pass in my locker.

I'm seriously going to try not to procrastinate so much this semester. I can already feel that goal fading a little, but I am going to try. Delong gave us a weekly schedule for listening and reading, so I'm going to try to keep up with that.

I also hope my laptop stops acting weird. It'll randomly go completely black in class and refuse to come back for about 15 seconds. Which is especially annoying in class. 15 seconds may not seem like a lot, but history profs can say a lot in 15 seconds, and if I'm sitting there attempting to encourage my laptop to come out of it's phase, that's not exactly helping me retain anything that he's saying.

Well, I could probably find more to say, but I shall save that for another time. Once again, kudos to those who actually read to the end of these ridiculously long posts. Hopefully this, in some way, makes up a little for my generally infrequent posting rate.

Did that sentence actually make sense? Oh well. You're the ones reading it, you deal with it.

~Calminaiel~

"Do you need another story about me cross-dressing?"

First day of classes

2009-01-12T14:17:00.002-07:00

Uncreative title, I know.

Truth be told, I honestly don't have much to say right now. But I'm not doing anything else, and I know I haven't posted in a while.

Classes started today, as I'm sure you've figured out. It's actually a relief to be back. I was going a little stir-crazy by the end of the holidays. Cabin fever and all that. So it's nice to be out and doing things instead of sitting at home all day.

Janos wasn't here for Musicianship, which was really disappointing, because that is by far my favorite class. So that was sad. But I like our Theory teacher this semester. She seems really funny and I'm excited to have her for the next few months. I'm not sure what Delong is like, who I have for History. I've heard he's pretty good, but I am a little sad that I won't have Sallis again. I was looking forward to another semester with him.

So now I'm just sitting in the lobby, waiting for rehearsal to start at 3:30. I have to leave in the middle to go to Philosophy, so we'll see how that goes. And then it's back to rehearsal. But at least rehearsal is going along a little more productively than it has been.

But seriously, I really have nothing significant to say. So I'll just mention a few more things before I go and do something else to waste time until rehearsal.

I was offered another teaching gig, which is nice. It's up at some camp, and there's two grade 7 kids. Apparently they're the keen, eager type. So I'm excited for that. It's even early enough so I can drive back in time to make Wind Ensemble rehearsal, which should make everybody happy.

I'm also feeling slightly antisocial at the moment, which is making me feel bad about people around me who I'm kind of trying to avoid eye contact to make it clear that I'm not really in the mood to chat. Does that make me a bad person?

Anyways, off to waste time, until I have something hopefully a little more meaningful to say.

~Calminaiel~

"You mean I actually have to prepare myself before my classes?"

This time again

2009-01-02T20:12:00.003-07:00

I'm feeling strangely isolated this New Years.

As I have for almost every New Years.

But alas, Chinese food awaits me in the kitchen.

I shall explain later.

Just so you all know I haven't forgotten about you.

~Calminaiel~

"Aw, look at all the aliens burn."

Phlegm

2008-12-24T23:51:00.002-07:00

It's very enjoyable.

Or not.

On another note, I was just reading this blog, which I happened to pick up on, and start following, from Rae's blog.

http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com/

To summarize, if you don't like reading other links, this particular post is done by a friend, talking about the Santa issue she deals with every year with her child, what with the questions about Santa, and her having to sneak around in the night to get the Santa activities done. The post ended with a question about how the reader's kids found out about Santa, when, and even how they themselves found out about Santa.

I decided to answer this post. Call it a sudden ghost of Christmas past that came to me, but this is was I proceeded to reply with:

"I’m 18, still living at home, with my brother, 15. We know the Santa secret, but every year we still go to bed early to let them do the Santa thing. Why ruin a good thing?

I found out the Santa secret…sometime during elementary school. I can’t remember exactly when. I found out when we were playing hide-and-seek in out house, and I hid in my parent’s closet, sliding a box to the side to make room. Lo and behold, come Christmas, I ended up seeing that same box under the tree from Santa.

You have no idea how disappointed I was. As in, when I came to terms that I was pretty sure that Santa was a no-go, I was absolutely crying in my room. My mom came in, and sat on my bed, asking what was wrong and hugging me, as all moms do. Finally I calmed down enough, and summoned my courage to ask if Santa was real, because I clearly had my doubts. The look on Mom’s face was all the answer I needed, and I burst into tears again. After I calmed down to quiet sobbing again, my Mom asked me a question.

“Do you want him to be real?”

I nodded.

“If you believe in him with your heart, he’ll always be real.”

My parents put the presents under the tree every year, and fill my stocking in the night, and I know reindeer can’t fly, but Santa will always be real."

On another note, to put things in Gossip Girl terms (though I have never actually followed Gossip Girl), I'm really glad C is okay. I can't wait to see her.

And now, though it is still before midnight, I shall be going to bed.

That's a lie. I'm already in bed. I'll just proceed to play computer games (eg. Puzzle Pirates) until I actually feel like sleeping. The reason for the early bedtime is just...well, the big man needs time to do the whole present thing, doesn't he?

~Calminaiel~

"Her name's Misty, but she also responds to Mitsy."

Pajamas

2008-12-23T17:37:00.002-07:00

Yes, I spent the day in my pajamas. I didn't go anywhere. I played Puzzle Pirates, watched Mythbusters, and played Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I also attempted to start laundry. But laundry days are always, in reality, laundry weeks. So it'll take a while no matter when I start it.

Christmas is so close. I'm excited. Presents are under the tree, and Bennet's days off start tomorrow. Squee.

Anyways, after this insanely inactive day, I'm excited for tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I love days where I just do nothing, but this was almost excessive. At least tomorrow I'll be going out and seeing people and...well, actually having a reason to get dressed in general. =P

Yummy eggnog. And banana milk, which I polished off today.

I also need to upload pictures, which I'm going to do right now. I also need to start my other blog that I've been talking about. But that one won't have my name on it, so don't expect me to tell you about it. It'll appear in my blog list though, so if you're diligent about checking that, you'll see it.

~Calminaiel~

"So good!"

Updates

2008-12-22T15:25:00.002-07:00

So, I've been told I need to blog more. And I agree with Morgan. I haven't been doing it lately. Mostly because I have a boy that I tell everything too now instead of pouring it out in blog form. But I'm going to try to write more.

I'm currently contemplating how I'm going to write on this blog. It's mostly just a confusing jumble of thoughts, so I won't bore you. Just warning you that the style of writing on my blog may change a little. We'll see.

Anyways, so I'm going to try to blog more. And not just at night, or before bed, or when I'm in a bad mood, either.

As a side note, I'm always really happy when I discover that people have been reading my blog. It makes me feel loved.

The holidays have been so much fun lately. Time off has been wonderful, and I haven't been practicing nearly as much as I should be. But it's also the holidays. I'll have to start practicing in January, as NYO auditions are fast approaching, but for now, the break is nice.

Bennet starts his holiday on Wednesday, so I'm excited for that. I realized last night how much I have a fear that we won't spend as much time as I want to over the holidays. I'm pretty sure this comes from the summer of grade 10. Which is odd, because I don't often keep things like that with me. But oh well. While the fear is there, part of me knows that it's all for nothing, and the holidays will be wonderful. So I'm excited to get to them and prove that fear wrong.

Which, hon, if you're wondering why I keep needing reassurance that we're spending lots of time together during your time off...that's why.

I can't tell you what I got everybody for Christmas, because I know my family reads this, so you'll just have to wait until after Christmas morning to find out. Plus, then I can tell you how they reacted. I don't know if Bennet reads this or not, but I'd rather not risk it.

I've been playing Puzzle Pirates a lot lately. It makes me happy. It's a game that I can only really play when I have nothing else to do, as it's very easy to just spend hours on that game. So during the school year, no. But holidays, hell yes.

I think I might celebrate Christmas day with a video blog. How does that sound?

I have to admit that I'm a little disappointed that Little Big Planet is for Playstation only. It looks really cute. I think I'd enjoy it.

Another reason I love the holidays: I love hanging out with my friends. And between Christmas parties, and just randomly meeting people who have come home for Christmas, it's great. I've been having an awesome time.

Winter is fun. Snow drifts are fun. Getting stuck is fun. Getting people unstuck is fun. Cuddling inside with hot chocolate is fun. Staying up until 3 am just talking is fun. Life is fun.

Yes, I said it. Life is fun. So stop thinking about it, and just remember that life is ridiculous, and it's not to be taken seriously. Because why? It's too short to be doing that.

So laugh, love, and live, and it'll all turn out okay in the end.

That's my message for the day.

Until the next update (which will hopefully be in the very near future [hope for tomorrow]),

~Calminaiel~

(PS: Should I come up with some sort of sign off? Seems like other people have one. I've just been happy with my name. Something to think about.)

"You do realize Christmas is in 3 days?"

It's been a while

2008-12-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

Apparently I just haven't had much to say in the past little while. Contrary to what some people will tell you. As in, the people I've kept on the phone all night when they've already been working all day. And by people, I mean person.

I probably shouldn't let that become a habit. But I've missed spending time just talking on the phone.

Stomach cramps are going to kill me. And I'm so screwed for history. Anybody with me?

So tomorrow I'm probably going to spend working on my reed so I can play a half decent solo for the concert, as well as attempting to study for history, in both the listening and the knowledge category. Fun, eh?

On another note, I just signed up for online banking. Mostly so that I can make sure that any cheques I put in are actually deposited. Seeing as the one I put in four days ago still isn't in my account. I am not pleased.

Well, like I said, I don't really have much to say. I think anything I actually wanted to blog about I already told the boy over the phone a couple nights ago. After I had a few drinks, which I'm still not sure whether that was a good idea or not.

Oh, observation of the day: I hate small talk. Like, seriously. I should stop mentioning that I'm a musician, because then it's all just "What do you play?", "What do you want to do?", "My *insert member of family* also plays *insert instrument*", "That's so cool."...

And the real kicker that got to me today:

"I really respect talented people."

*glare*

First of all, that is a wonderfully wide open statement, thank you for making that. It's like saying, "I really love weather."

Maybe not exactly, but it seems that way to me.

Second of all, just because I'm a musician does not mean I'm talented. Let's put this into perspective for all of you reading this. The person who said this was at the blood clinic today, where I was giving blood. She was a nurse. We had this talk withing about 3 minutes that I was in the room with her. In that 3 minutes, I mentioned that I was a musician, played the bassoon (described what a bassoon was), that I'd like to play in an orchestra, and that I'm a first year music student at the U of C.

And she comes out of there saying she respects me for how talented I am?

Okay, if I had mentioned that I had only been playing bassoon for a month and I was accepted as a bassoon major at the university, then I might accept that statement. But I think that's the only circumstance I would accept it.

That term just bugs me. Talented. I won't deny it, there are such things as talented people out there. I do not consider myself to me one of them.

I did not just pick up a bassoon and play well enough to get into university. I did not play my first note and everybody thought it was so gorgeous, and I was so wonderful.

If people knew what I sounded like when I first started, they would not say I'm talented.

It's not like I have this wonderful power to be good at it whenever I want. I worked hard to sound like I do today. I practiced a lot to be able to go to university. I did not pick up a bassoon, blow a few notes, and go 'hey, I'm really good at this, I think I'll do it for the rest of my life.'

But enough of that. The boy's home. I must go call him. And possibly repeat everything I just wrote. That's how it sometimes happens.

~Calminaiel~

"We'll be back later to...inspect the oven..."

Isolation

2008-11-18T23:59:00.001-07:00

Am I a selfish person?

Am I selfish for being withdrawn in a conversation for the sole purpose of getting asked what's wrong? And therefore having a reason to just pour out everything onto somebody else?

Am I selfish for wanting to involve other people in my troubles and conflicts, instead of remaining the happy, carefree person people expect me to be?

Is being melodramatic also being selfish?

I read a poem my brother wrote and left on the table. It started with 'if only, if only'. I remember starting a poem like that. Except I could never get any further than that. Because as soon as I start getting into 'if only' there's just too much to say, and not enough space, or words to say it with.

It's just odd that my brother would also start a poem like that.

I felt very isolated today. And I still do.

I need somebody to tell me I'm not crazy. I need somebody to tell me that I'm not the only one. I need somebody to let me know that I'm not as alone as I feel sometimes.

I need to cry.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid because every once in a while I run into some aspect of life that I just can't stand, and it takes me forever to get through. I'm afraid that eventually one of those will come along and I won't be able to get through it at all. And everybody else just blows through it without a problem, and I'm left alone and I can't move on.

I'm afraid that I won't have what it takes to go anywhere in life.

Sometimes I'm really excited for the life I have planned out for me. Sometimes I'm really excited for that plan to fail, just so I can find out what else life has waiting for me. And sometimes I'm really afraid that I won't make it in either case. Tonight seems to be one of those times.

My bassoon teacher mentioned that it seemed like I was loosing my confidence today. I know she meant my playing. And I'm more or less sure why it seems that way. But the weird thing is that it continued throughout the day. I was always slightly on edge, and I never really felt completely comfortable, or settled. No matter where I was, I felt like I didn't belong there.

And then I got home, and I still couldn't feel settled. I sat down, and got back up. I'd go to the kitchen for some food and end up wandering into the living room to stare blankly at the paper for a while. It's a miracle I was able to get my theory homework done.

I want to avoid reality right now. But at the same time, I know it's coming. This entire evening was a mix of me trying to figure out how to deal with the coming reality, and yet trying to completely avoid it at the same time. It doesn't exactly make for an easy combination.

I feel like the more unhappy I am, the further I get from actually being me. I feel most like myself when I'm happy. And right now I don't feel like me. I don't feel like anybody. I feel like this shell of empty feelings that needs to be brought back, or woken up somehow.

Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I need sleep. But going to sleep means I'll be even closer to having to deal with tomorrow. Which I don't want to do.

I need to know I'm not alone. And you can tell me I'm not alone as many times as you like, but let me save you some time and tell you that it won't make a difference. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the thought. But being told I'm not alone doesn't make me feel better. Knowing I'm not alone makes me feel better. There's a difference. Actually not being alone lets me know I'm not alone.

I need to be with somebody. A friend. A good friend. Just talking. Pouring out everything and anything I'm thinking or feeling. The only problem with that is that there's nobody here. It's just me in my room, and the backpack waiting to be dragged to school tomorrow.

Therefore, I resort to writing, and being melodramatic and pessimistic towards anybody and everybody who reads this, and waiting to be saved.

Does that make me selfish?

~Calminaiel~

"What do you want from me, reed gods? My first born child? It's yours."
"That's like me moving to Pakistan and being offended by sand."
"If I lived in France in the 1600s, I would have guys all over me."

2008-11-09T00:26:00.001-07:00

She's never pulled anyone from a burning building
She's never rocked Central Park to a half a million fans, screaming out her name
She's never hit a shot to win the game
She's never left her footprints on the moon
She's never made a solo hot air balloon ride, around the world,
No, she's just your everyday average girl (but)

She's somebody's hero
A hero to her baby with a skinned up knee
A little kiss is all she needs
The keeper of the cheerios
The voice that brings Snow White to life
Bedtime stories every night
And that smile lets her know
She's somebody's hero

She didn't get a check every week like a nine-to fiver
But she's been a waiter, and a cook and a taxi driver
For twenty years, there at home, until the day her girl was grown
Giving all her love to her was her life's ambition
But now her baby's movin' on, and she'll soon be missin' her
But not today, those are tears of joy runnin' down her face

Thanks Mom.

I love you.

~Calminaiel~

"You have to love us because you're our mother."

And life goes on

2008-10-29T15:35:00.002-06:00

I'm currently sitting in the lobby. Eating greasy, but cheap, food from Mac Hall. And blogging. Obviously.

Should have practiced today. Didn't. Moving on.

Mike just sat up on the couch next to me. He's been sleeping for at least the past hour.

My stomach's already protesting against what I'm forcing it to digest. Deal with it stomach, payday isn't until the end of this week.

I am starving musician. And starving student. I shall develop stomach of steel. Rawr.

When I went to Taco Time and gave them one of my many certificates that I have, the guy asked where I got them. I was like...my dad works for a radio station and he brought them home. The guy said something about seeing one like it before (btw, that was because I also went there Monday), and muttered something else, but I couldn't hear it. He'd better not be complaining, because for his information, these stupid certificates are the only reason I'm really going to Taco Time to get food lately.

And again, I'm not complaining, because it's a burrito, 'Mexi-Fries' and a drink for 3$. So, it works. But still. I would like to inform that guy that there are at least four different places I'd rather go to in Mac Hall, and instead, I am taking the time to go there. So deal with it.

Oh look, Ben just moved to Mike's couch and is now sleeping. Good for him.

Of course, that's my pessimistic side kicking in. Maybe he was wondering where he could get some. Or maybe he'd just never seen them and he was curious.

But at least they take them and know what to do with them, as opposed to some places who look at coupons blankly.

And the saxophone quartet is rehearsing. And they're conveniently rehearsing in the room that is so live you can hear anybody playing in it throughout all of Craigie Hall. I exaggerate, but only slightly.

I have my first shift in the Rozsa tonight. Apparently the Rozsa's a lot easier than UT. I can understand that. But I'm also kind of looking forward to trying it out myself.

Oh my gosh! I should be watching Heartland in these couple of hours I have before work!

~Calminaiel~

"What's a stanza?"

Meep

2008-10-21T17:26:00.002-06:00

So, I am currently sitting in the library. I find libraries kind of scary. So my facebook status says. Not that you should ever look too much into my facebook status. It can be misleading. Which seems to be my life in general, but we won't go into that today.

I don't generally find libraries scary. I mean, they can really help you get work done, if you need to be in a mood to get work done. Libraries just give the working environment that sometimes necessary. Not to mention, you can take books out, although if you know me, you know I'd rather the bookstore anyways, because then you get to keep the books when you're done.

But the major reason I find libraries scary is because in some library environments it feels like you can't make any sound. Not just loud sound. No sound at all. And that's really scary, because then every time I put something down too hard, or turn a page of a book, I feel like I've done something wrong.

Therefore, I really dislike the fact that my laptop happens to make a bit of noise when uploading CDs. Because that's why I'm in the library. To borrow CDs that I need for my history listening test, so that I can actually be prepared this time, instead of listening to said songs a total of one morning before actually taking the test. If that makes any sense.

I sat here for a full 15 minutes just trying to work up the nerve to actually go and disturb the peace of the library to ask for the CDs, since you have to ask for them at the Fine Arts desk. I was on the verge of just packing up my stuff and leaving the library without accomplishing anything at all, but then I walked to the front and saw Sean talking with the Fine Arts desk (or rather, the people at the desk, not the desk itself), and suddenly I didn't feel as bad. As for the noise from my laptop...well, I'm 70% sure that the only reason it seems loudish is because I'm about a foot away from it whenever it's uploading. Maybe if I were to walk away a little bit I wouldn't hear it at all. Maybe nobody else even notices, and I'm sitting here being paranoid that I'm making too much noise all for nothing.

Oh well. I'm in the middle of uploading and nobody's given me heck for anything yet. That still doesn't stop me from frowning slightly and almost shushing my computer every time I feel it makes unnecessary noise. But oh well.

Well, all I really had to talk about was my intimidation of libraries, and other oppressively quiet places. I think I shall now go and distract myself with something else on my laptop to distract myself from my own paranoia.

~Calminaiel~

"You're a poor peasant woman. And she's your brother."

This whole place is scary

2008-10-13T13:04:00.002-06:00

And by this place, I mean Ryan's place. Because it is.

Mostly because Corey's here. And Corey has a way of turning everything dirty.

I'm also supposed to blog about Ryan.

And remembering what Corey said 'blogging' was, that sounds really really weird.

Corey: "You'll never feel the same way about blogging again."

It's very true. Very, very true.

So here I am sitting, on the couch, and blogging. I kind of want to play Puzzle Pirates, but I also don't really have the energy to commit to that. Especially with people around. It's not exactly a social game, at least concerning the people who aren't on pirates.

So I'm sitting on the couch. Corey's emailing ACAD about a sound program he things he's interested in, and wants to know more about it. Bennet's playing Halo. Or Halo 2. And Ryan's making us food. Ryan's a wonderful human being.

Oh, and Xavier's up in his room, presumably on WoW. Just to make it fair, so I have now blogged about everybody in the house. Nobody can blame me for leaving them out.

Bennet's attempting to explain the plot of Halo to me. I'm not sure if I'm following it or not.

Corey needs to stop talking. Now.

And this could go on forever if I just sat here typing out events as they happen, so I should be off. I'm hungry.

Corey loves me. He knows it.

~Calminaiel~

"That's what she said."

(PS: is it sad that that's the only quote I can pick from today that's actually appropriate for my blog?)

Life is strange

2008-10-11T21:35:00.002-06:00

As I just said to Kelsk, less than two seconds ago.

I'm in one of my weird moods. And it doesn't help that I'm with the boy. Not because he makes it worse or anything, but because than he thinks it's his fault, and it's not. It's just me and my own mind.

I feel bad for not going out tonight. Because I told people I was going to, but the way things ended up working out tonight, it just didn't end up happening.

Maybe to distract myself from this weird mood for a while, I'll talk about singing and skipping, which, if you recall, I was going to talk about last blog, but ended up not doing so.

Anyways, it starts with me walking to the train station after classes a few days ago. This one song came up on my iPod, and I had the sudden urge to just start dancing and singing and whatnot. Like they do in the musicals.

Why did I have this feeling? Because it's me. Because when I'm at home, and there's a song that I like, I'll start singing and doing whatever actions seem appropriate at the time.

Which made me wonder, why do I hide all that when I'm in public? I mean, think about it. When I'm alone, I do it. When I'm with friends, I'll do it. But suddenly when I'm not even by myself, but just walking among people I don't know, I won't.

Why do we seem to be conditioned that when we're in public, or more importantly just among a lot of people we don't know, we have to blend in and become anonymous?

I'm not completely sure where I'm going with all of this, but at the time it just seemed so weird to me that I don't mind being completely myself when I'm alone, or with friends, but suddenly when I'm with people that I don't even know, and probably will never see again in my life, you suddenly hold yourself back.

Does any of that make sense? Probably not. It rarely does on my blog.

Perks of today: I learned how to change rotaries and brake pads on a car, as well as how to rotate tires, as well as playing soccer with Patrick (he's like a dog, it's funny), and also impressed the boys with how quickly I'm learning about cars.

And isn't it focusing on the perks what really matters anyways?

~Calminaiel~

"So next time when you make that face when you're driving, we'll know."

Skipping and singing

2008-10-07T22:51:00.002-06:00

I meant to blog about this yesterday. But I wasn't in the mood. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not completely sure if I'm in the mood right now, so maybe we'll talk about that another day.

Would I be repeating myself if I said I feel like I'm changing? I know I've said it before. Maybe that feeling never really goes away. It just subsides sometimes.

This really sucks. I'm slowly losing my desire to spill all my thoughts out in email or blog form. The more I sit down and attempt to write them, the more I feel the urge to say them in person.

Except you already know the problem with that. I'll be in the perfect situation to talk, and then my brain will freeze, and I'll end up saying nothing.

He says I'm getting better with it. Am I really? I suppose so, a little bit. But still. It's the fact that I still can't do it like I want to that's getting to me.

PS, if somebody could make my stomach actually cooperate with me, that would be really great.

And now, I'm off to hopefully be productive.

~Calminaiel~

"..."

(Actually, the most hilarious quote from today is a little inappropriate for here, so I shall leave it out this time.)

Here comes the sun

2008-09-30T22:45:00.002-06:00

I feel pretty good right now.

A little while earlier I was in the mood to describe how good I'm feeling at the moment.

The shower helped a lot, methinks.

But now, I'm thinking I'm just going to email the boy, before doing my theory homework and then wondering off to bed.

Just thought you should know that my life isn't all bad, contrary to popular blog posts lately.

~Calminaiel~

"No, I'm calling your wrap job a sieve."

Officially going insane

2008-09-26T17:54:00.002-06:00

Yes, it's finally official. No longer just assumed.

I'm not kidding. My mind will be panicking within every inch of its life for a good ten minutes, before some simple thing will happen to snap me back to reality, and convince me that I don't necessarily have to be thinking about that.

But give it a while, and it'll go back to panicking. Vicious cycle and all that.

It's one of those times when I'm really afraid to be alone with myself. I just don't want to listen to my own mind. I want to shut out all the voices that help me figure out things like the future, and consequences, and assignments and expectations, and just concentrate what I'm doing right now.

I need somebody to save me from myself.

Isn't there a song that goes like that? Probably. There's a song for almost anything out there.

But seriously, I'm afraid to be left alone with myself, because certain aspects of my mind just may start committing suicide. I'm not even sure which ones, but they're out there, I know that for sure. I also know that while they may be feeling tortured right now, in the future they're probably good aspects for my mind to have, so I'd rather they stay alive, thank you very much.

That being said, my emotional level is extremely high at the moment. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, as it could swing either way.

It's the same way with my mood. It's on the tip of the knife right now, and it could swing high, or it could swing low. God bless the person who helps get get high, and God have mercy on the pour soul who has to suffer through the lows.

I think I'm going to play a mindless game while listening to music to keep my mind distracted while I wait.

~Calminaiel~

"We need to start a history support group. We'll all meet in the library and work together, and make sure we all work for an hour."
"And then we'll reward ourselves with beers."

Stupid's a loose term

2008-09-17T12:15:00.002-06:00

So, by stupid, I mean frustrated, tired, crappy...any of the above, and more, really.

Of course, I'm exaggerating, but only slightly.

Summery of my day so far:

I had to get up early to help my classmate prepare for a test. On the way to the train, my bag ripped. Not deathly, I am now without a bag, rip. But enough so that I clearly need to start using something else to carry stuff in. I was waiting until the weekend to buy a backpack, but I might try to get out tonight to get one now.

Practicing for the test went well. I can't complain, it actually wasn't a bad way to start the day. When the time for the test actually came though I screwed up. Which isn't horrible, but it's still slightly frustrating.

Theory was frustrating.

And Kristian's a jerk.

Moving on.

History was boring. And it wasn't very comforting that they were explaining how to do our assignment the day it was due. Aka, after I handed it in. Thanks for that. Again, not exactly comforting. So now I'm kind of panicking that I might fail entirely and my professor will hate me for the rest of his life.

Which hasn't helped my morning mood. I'm hoping psychology will help a little. It generally does. I also have less time to practice after classes today because I have CJSW training today. For two hours. I hope that's entertaining. Or at least not boring.

I'm hungry, but the thought of Mac Hall between the hours of 12 and 1 scares me. So I figure I'll get food after psychology class. Which takes away even more of my practice time. And I'm supposed to learn a piece for tomorrow in Wind Ensemble. Damn.

I'm good at sight reading, right?

No, Robyn. Bad thinking. Maybe I'll look over that piece quickly before radio training...and after I eat...

Hopefully I'll get my life straightened out eventually.

Hopefully. Likely? Probably not. But hopefully.

I miss my boy. I know I'm not as bad as some. At least we're in the same city and all. But still, busy schedules happen, and here we are. So I'm just putting that out there: I miss him.

I was going to ask Mike if he had anything to add to my blog, but he left to get food. Which is probably what I should be doing.

I'm going to stop before I start going in circles, because if I start doing that I'll just never stop.

~Calminaiel~

"The answer you're looking for: no."

I refuse to give in

2008-09-15T23:46:00.001-06:00

My brother was playing WoW tonight.

He was using some fancy technology that lets him and his group talk to each other using mics and headsets and whatnot during their quest.

I came up and asked him how the geek convention was going.

He turned on the mic and said "Guys, prove to my sister that we're not geeks."

There was silence on the other end.

Then, one person:

"Define 'geek'"

~Calminaiel~

"I can't find a journal article, and I don't feel like looking for one."
"Wow, that describes the last two years of my life."

Girlfriends against WoW

2008-09-10T14:43:00.004-06:00

That's kind of my favorite protest sign ever.

Boy, please don't make me use one like that.

Today in theory class my teacher said this: "You don't have to be loud to be heard."

It was just being applied to using a softer dynamic in music rather than playing as loud as you can, but I still felt like it could be applied to so much more than that.

Maybe I'm crazy.

I won't be going into too much detail since I'm at Bennet's house. And he's playing WoW. So maybe if he continues playing I'll go into more detail. We'll see. Maybe if I get off my blog, he'll get off WoW sooner. =P

But I was an extremely productive university student today. I went to my three morning classes, stayed for all of music orientation, went straight from psychology to hand in my volunteer application form for CJSW, the radio station on the university campus, and I also opted out of health and dental plans at the university. Both of the latter steps were quite easy and painless, it made my day quite excellent.

I also had an awesome practice today, which I haven't had in a while. It made me very happy. I only really stopped because I don't think my reed could have taken any more.

Haha. Gutter mind.

Anyways.

Well, I suppose just because I'm in university doesn't mean I'll love all of my classes. Most, yes. All, apparently not. History might just kill me.

But at least it's the only class I can't really stand. Rather than high school, where there were at least three of them.

Okay, maybe just two. But still. The point remains the same.

Advice of the night: Don't die.

Hokay, once again, the time has come for me to shut up and move along. So I shall see you next time.

Rae: I love you.

Randall: I love you too.

Kelsk: I love you.

All of the above and more: I miss you all. You'd better believe me.

~Calminaiel~

"What's the different between a flute player and a convertible?"

Caught in the middle

2008-09-08T15:43:00.002-06:00

Do you ever have those moments where you suddenly look at yourself and think...you know, I must be really annoying.

Yeah, kinda feeling that way.

And yet not. It's an odd feeling.

You know what I'm in the mood for? A heart to heart talk. Unfortunately, as I need sleep, that won't be happening anytime soon. I think I need to hold on to this feeling until an appropriate moment comes alone. Will I take that moment? That remains to be seen. I sometimes let them go by.

Why you may ask? Well, ask the part of my brain that's supposed to help me form words and tell me what to say. I can tell you, you probably won't get an answer, because that part of my brain seems to be somewhat dysfunctional.

Which is ironic, because at the same time I think I had incredible word vomit tonight. I don't think it was very pretty.

Okay, seriously, the urge for a heart to heart talk is growing, so I have to change the subject.

On another note, I think my iPod may have officially died. It looks like it's refusing to charge, which I don't believe is a good sign. I'm going to leave it for a while and if nothing happens...well damn.

Why does it seem like just when I finally figure out mostly who I am and I'm comfortable with myself and my life, both of those things seem to change?

And yet, it's also weird how I know how much both myself and my life are changing...but I'm strangely comfortable with it.

Nevertheless, it's still a good feeling.

Dear life,

I have the insane urge to have a heart to heart talk. If you could somehow give me a change to act on that urge sometime in the near future...like, say, tomorrow afternoon for example...I would be very grateful.

Love,

~Calminaiel~

"It doesn't matter how useless your part is...it's important."

Tomorrow

2008-09-07T21:06:00.002-06:00

It's the first day of the rest of my life.

Of course, that's just for dramatic effect. One could argue that tomorrow is always the first day of the rest of our lives. That's kinda just the way it works.

But that's not the point. The point is that university classes start tomorrow. I don't even know how to describe how I feel. Kind of like I've been working my way up the stairs all these years, and finally I'm at the highest diving board, and I just have to jump. Or like I've been lead around holding somebody's hand, following a strict path, and suddenly they just let go, the path ended, and I can now go anywhere I want, all on my own.

It's a great feeling, but also slightly scary. It's kind of amazing how often excitement and nervousness go together. Why is that?

As usual, I should be doing something else, but I'm sitting here chatting, blogging, and texting. In my own defense, I am simply getting as much out of my social life as I can before I become swamped and must cut myself away from the rest of society in order to keep up with my life.

I exaggerate. But only slightly.

I should be showering. Because as much as I tell myself I'll get up in the morning to shower, we all know that's not going to happen.

Kelskie just came online, which is both amazingly awesome, and kind of bad. Because I haven't talked to her in forever, and I have about a thousand things to say. Kind of bad because then I probably won't get off as early as I was planning to shower. My family doesn't mind me having really late night showers, right?

Okay, I have to go tell stories, and while I'm telling stories, I will not be able to concentrate on blogging.

This is probably long enough as it is.

~Calminaiel~

"T-shirts usually go along with recreational boating."

Guess what

2008-09-03T23:11:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow's Thursday! Tomorrow!

I have no idea how I'm going to get through orientation. No idea at all.

Do you think I really need to stay for all of Thursday?

Good University Student Voice: Yes, you do. There's probably some sort of tiny piece of information that's good for you. Besides, you can't get a ride down there until mother is off work anyways.

Self: But I could take transit down there! If it meant I could get there earlier!

Student Voice: No. Just stay, take in information, and then go after.

Sigh. Silly conflicts. Tomorrow better go by fast. Or at least, I'd better be semi interested in what's going on, or else all I'll do is stare at my watch. Which, contrary to popular belief, does not speed up time.

I could stay here thinking of things to write, but the time has come once again, where I must get up early in the morning.

Yay.

(PS: that was sarcasm.)

~Calminaiel~

"Bowser's castle looks like a casino."
"Hey, even villains have to find ways to pay the bills."

Happy, excited, and scared to death

2008-09-02T22:39:00.002-06:00

And that's only the beginning of the huge range of emotions I've felt over the past little while.

But seriously, the happiness is the real constant. It's always there, even when I'm worried about panicked, or paranoid about something. It doesn't mean I'm not extremely happy about my life right now.

You know what is a scary thought?

I'm a legal adult. I am responsible for myself. I know I've been a real adult for a few months now, but still, it only really seems to be hitting me now that...I'm actually in charge of my life now. Whatever responsibility I didn't have while still in high school...I do have now.

Maybe that's partly why I'm slightly apprehensive about getting my full license, or getting a job.

And yet, on the other hand, I can't wait to do either of those, because it will just complete my being-an-adult even more.

See where I am with the whole mixed emotions thing?

I guess I'm caught between my old fear of too many changes, and my insane excitement to do more discovering of what I want to do with my life.

Not career wise. I know I'm going into music, and that's what it'll be until something happens to make it change. Which it might, I won't deny it, but for now, music's looking pretty good.

Just what I'm going to do with myself...now that I'm kind of getting pushed out there on my own.

To which all my friends laugh, and go, Robyn, you're living at home. How 'pushed out there on your own' can you be?

Alright, alright, whatever. But hopefully you'll grasp some sort of meaning from all of this that kind of makes sense.

Me, making sense. That's a good one.

Okay, let's stop while we're ahead, shall we?

I haven't been blogging much I know. I've kind of found a temporary outside source to type away my worries to for the next little while. Once I don't feel the need to send an email every night, I'll probably start blogging more.

Unless university kills me.

Which it might. I'm still keeping that possibility in mind.

Thursday!! I'm so excited!!

(PS: One downside to this whole deal is that I've been given more time to think than is really healthy. So I don't know if I'm actually discovering more emotional scars than I thought I had, or if I'm just overthinking. I'm probably just overthinking, although the first option may have some truth to it as well.)

And, as a side note, orientation was rather fun today. Why do the Fine Arts get stuck with brown shirts? And how do I know so many people in Science and Engineering? I hope they're prepared to feed me, as the starving musician.

Dear life,

If you could please speed up the space time continuum so that Thursday gets here extra quickly, I would really appreciate it.

Love,

~Calminaiel~

"dmda, Fine Arts!"

Just one thing

2008-08-27T23:27:00.003-06:00

I feel free.

It's insane. I saw pretty much exactly what I've seen the whole rest of the summer.

And yet my stomach didn't flip, and my mind didn't suddenly feel like going crazy. I just shrugged.

Well, actually I did more than shrug. I whisper-yelled at my computer and laughed.

Is that a sign that somebody's going insane? Who knows. But that's not the point.

The point is, that it's just hit me that I don't need to deal with this anymore.

Actually I shouldn't say that. Because that makes it sound more negative than it is.

Maybe I will have to deal with it slightly. But I don't even know that for sure yet.

Anyways, the point is (for the second time) that there is at least one tiny aspect of my life that no longer needs dealing with. And I need not waste any more mental turmoil over it.

Now for the deep cleansing breath...and the moving on with my life.

And by that, I mean moving on to an email.

=)

~Calminaiel~

"That's the perk of passing your name down for a few generations."

Mind implosion?

2008-08-26T18:42:00.002-06:00

Almost. But in the best way possible, if there is such a thing.

Seriously, I'm not even sure what to say. I haven't written in my notebook in forever. one of the only reasons I'm writing this now is because I need something to draw me back into...myself? I don't know. Hopefully I'll begin to make more sense as I go along. And if not...well, hopefully getting this out, even in a completely incomprehensible way will still help me figure things out.

But don't for one second during this whole thing think that I'm upset. I am possibly the happiest person ever. Like seriously, it's awesome.

See, this is my problem. Every time I think 'you know, I should really figure this out and find out what's going on' then I sit down, and I realize how happy I really am, and then I start thinking 'well, do I really need to figure this out? Because if I'm happy, does it really matter?'

To which the logical (and also the slightly frightened) voice in my mind goes "yes, you have to figure this out! Because you've been pushed into your own little world of perfectness, and you've been living in it for the past few days! You had almost decided that you knew yourself perfectly, and you loved it, and suddenly you went and changed *again* and now that you're somebody completely different, what the heck are you going to do when you're pushed back into the world you've been ignoring, the one that includes bassoon, and university, and everything else!"

To which another answers "I'm not somebody completely different. I'm me. And that will never be able to change completely just like that. I'll always be the same person, just with variations here and there. Ignoring certain aspects of my life...that's what I do. And when I'm pushed back into it, I cope. Besides, are you really freaking out about bassoon and university because you've been ignoring them, or are you freaking out because it's only really hitting you now that you're actually going to be doing both of those things, and now that it's starting to sink in, you're starting to get nervous?"

Did that voice just say something that made a slight bit of sense? Since when does my mind make sense? That was almost deep thinking, is what that was.

Okay, so my conclusion since starting this post. I'm not going to worry. Because life will take care of me. It knows what it's doing. I know what's coming. Do I know how I'm going to deal with it? Probably not. Do I ever know how to deal with anything? Generally, no.

I blame this entirely of thinking too much. I'm always guilty of thinking too much. Over thinking, as some call it.

Why am I over thinking when I'm happy? Since when does that happen?

This is when you pat me on the head and tell me to go eat my dinner.

Because if I drag out this post any longer, I'll end up doing some serious unnecessary thinking.

Which is silly, because I'm happy. How happy? Extremely. So much so, that I'm almost reduced to not even using words anymore. Just doing this all the time:

=)

~Calminaiel~

"The ship has not sailed, but there was lots of recreational boating happening."